Astraea's Add On Stories:
Firesign Theatre Thing

The Hero: George Tirebiter
Title: The Vanishing Pickle
Theme: Old-style Firesign Theatre (when it was GOOD)

It was a rainy Sunday afternoon in San Francisco, when George Tirebiter looked out the window.
He saw an old man in a tin hat shuffling down the alley, and thought to himself
If only I had a tin hat just like that one,
I could sell lemonade and make a fortune, just like
Eleanor Roosevelt! But just then there was a knock on the door and
Wait! What's that piece of paper being slipped under the door?
Why, it looks like a piece of paper being slipped under the door to me.
Well, let's just check out this alleged slip of paper under the door.
The door opened suddenly (whacking him on the head as he leaned over) OW!
Good afternoon, Mr. Dang-er. Please, don't get up.
That voice! Where have I heard that voice before? And how do I make my voice do this?
Never mind that, Mr. Danger. Have you looked at your astrology today?
Why, you know I never mess with that stuff. I'm a private investigator, not some superstitious weirdo.
That's what YOU think, Danger! Read THIS.
Read THAT? That's a pickle, and you know it!
Very good, Mr. Danger! Let's see if you're as good at --THIS!
Boy! Looks like a lot of SICK BEES!
"That's where you're WRONG! It's actually
a fat free SALAD DRESSING!
And if you pledge $300 or more, you also get a
year's supply of mouth-watering
wire hangers from the nice folks at
Kweskin's Little House of Baaad Coffee
Where the hell did that come from? Aliens?
Greetings, insignificant life forms!
We're here to provide you with infinite supplies of cash, drugs, and kinky sex.
Yes, it's the Branch Davidian hearings!
What's behind the curtain, Bob? It's a BRAND NEW-CLEAR WAR!!!!!
And behind door #2, it's... OH MY GOD
the caps lock key was accidentally locked, leading to the
dispersal of toxic gas
I struck a match, and...
BEHOLD! Out of the darkness came a
lusty golden wench who said
in a seductive voice, "You look so strong and manly, I'd really like to
...get you to help me open this jar of pickles!"
Pickles? You can't fool me with that old trick, you sly little minx you
eeh heehh heehhh
*click* Beavis and Butthead was turned OFF!
What could be so gross and disgusting as to turn off even Beavis & B- head?
The Waco Hearings, of course, where
Jeff Jamar told one too many lies and his head exploded on national television

Is that all there was? Just nothing? Just a big blank space with nothing in it?
That's RIGHT, Danger! And you're gonna STAY there. Until the
Elder Gods come and
tie cyberspace into a pretzel. Then, they will
shoot it to the planet
of the FROGS, where it will
be used to make the next batch of cornbread for the big DRUM PARTY Saturday Night!
Under the watchful eyes of the city police cameras,
aaaaaa!
Beautiful ladies in trees making speeches!
Fish flying through the air! Woosh! There goes a sheep!
HIT THE DECK! EARTH IS BEING INVADED BY THE
FROGS FROM OUTER SPACE!
SPLAT!
They're in EVERYBODY's eggs!
Let's see how Mr. Tirebiter does when we take away his
water pipe! Now how's he going to smoke the sacred weed?
Easy. I'll just stuff it into this pickle, Rococo. Hah-hah-haaaa!
And then I'll stuff the PICKLE into this
SHOE
for INDUSTRY, comrade!
this suspicious looking SHOE with a DIAL on it. A DIAL?!
What sleazy, scummy business have you been getting your slimy fingers into now?
Who you callin' SLIMY, Dang-er?
Uh oh! Lieutenant Flatfoot or whatever his name was!
That's DEPUTY INSPECTOR Flatfoot to YOU! (I forgot his name too)
BRADSHAW, you stupid dipshits!
Who you callin' a DIPSHIT? Say, I ought to haul the bunch of you in.
On what charge???
Looks like two AA batteries to me
ASSAULT AND BATTERY!?
They'll go great on my balogney sandwich!
Now if I could just learn how to spell balogney?
so I could better describe what's going on in this story!
I would need a
HAT, because I'm getting out of here. I've got to find out what's behind the
green door!
You'll never find out anything about that! It's
a... a... a...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my dead, he's God! There IS some mysterious evil force
controlling everything! I knew it!
from behind this invisible door!
It's invisible unless you look at it.
Gosh, what a cheezy excuse for a
gun! It looks just like a
pickle! Are you sure we're
rotating?
slowly... the ceiling fan was rotating slowly... and there was funky music playing and people were drinking that coffee...
THAT COFFEE.. those bizarre tiny little cups of pure energy.. you didn't drink it, you ate it with a fork!
Shame on you, you PEASANT! If you had any sense you'd
clap your hands and say ***AFRICA!!!***
There was a loud explosion directly over
the gooseberry bushes, and
to my great surprise, there it was...
A GIANT ICE CREAM CONE FROM OUTER SPACE
Hope from the Great Beyond!
Hope said "My name is Hope, and I bring Peanut Butter Sandwiches!"
to the Bingo game every Thursday night at Bob's Brazerko Lounge!
So we all got in our tin plated jalopy and
went rattling off to
the next room to get a mattress
will win a year's supply of mouth watering
FBI agents
kicked the door in, rushed in like a bunch of stormtroopers, and said to George:
"Alright, you lousy gumshoe, where'd you put the modem?
"I know it's in here someplace..." "NO, DON'T OPEN THAT.. AAAAAA" [Any ideas?]

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These stories were created with a one-line story generator on a WWIVnet bulletin board. Ech line was entered separately by each user who signed onto the bulletin board. Each person who signed in was shown the preceding line, and then was allowed to add a line of their own. The story, as it evolved, was stored on a part of the BBS where files were available for download; so you could, if you wanted, see previous entries to get a sense of where to take the story. So when you signed into a WWIVnet BBS, you might see something like this:

The Hero: Elmo the Magnificent
Title: Up In Smoke
Theme: Story of a hairdresser possessed by the spirit of Julius Caesar
Last line entered was...
around and around she goes, and
Enter the next line (or type ENTER to abort)

So then you have the opportunity to type the next line, knowing only what was written on the previous line. That's why it's sort of silly, and that's what makes it good!

The stories we're presenting here were written by members of Astraea system and a few friends, using said software.