The Hero: Colon Rots
Title: The Rerun of Colon Rots
Theme: Dr. Rots collides with an inconvenient realities.
This story is now closed. The NEXT Colon Rots installment is at http://www.astraeasweb.net/tale/rots3.html
The current add-on story is at: http://www.astraeasweb.net/tale/story/story.html.
The "Kai" who contributed the Illuminati sequences is not Kai from the Astraea system (who signs himself "KTJ" or "Bluejay"). We don't know who he is, but we'd like to thank him and all the rest of you guys for your hilarious contributions!
This is the sequel to "Adventures of Colon Rots", which you can read at:
http://www.astraeasweb.net/tale/rots.html.
Note: The software that we used for this story allows you to add only 300 characters at a time, so contributors with a longer entry, were asked to break it up into several and post them sequentially. Hope you enjoy it!
-- Jay (KTJ) Young, Chris Akanora, Andy Temple, Gabe Ragland & others, from Astraea
| Written By |
Story |
| Jay Young |
Once upon a time, in a land not very far from here... |
| Chris Akanora |
Fleetwood Mac's "Never Going Back Again" tinkled lightly from the car radio as
Dr. Colon Rots pulled out of the driveway. Another day, another green, blue, electric yellow million dollars for the worker of wonders on his mission of rescue. Yes, he was back in the saddle after a brief "vacation", now ready to continue fighting his neverending battle for singlethood for all. |
| Chris Akanora |
He pulled onto the Innerstate, whistling off-key. Today, he would be seeing a number of clients, including the enigmatic Sherry, who was proving peculiarly resistant to his persuasion that she give up her delusions. |
| Chris Akanora |
Preoccupied with thoughts of Sherry's persistent proclivities, he didn't quite notice when the bouncy '70s yuppie theme slowed, darkened, slid into a gritty syrup of turn-of-the-century grunge guitar, and Lindsey Buckingham's twitter gave way to the compelling, smoky growl of Rob Thomas... or was it.. |
| Tavam |
The sky slowly clouded over as he drove. And if he'd been paying attention, Dr. Rots would have realized that he was listening to a cover song, not something that ever should have been on commercial radio.
But he was neither a music conniseur, nor inclined to care for the finer details of his surroundings.
And that was why, when the bike came barrelling up on his left and cut him off, he... |
| Andy |
braked sharply, but didn't notice the distinctly alien appearance of either the exquisitely streamlined bike or its rider... |
| Jeren'n'Tav |
"Now where is that... address?" he muttered, fumbling around on the car seat for the card with Sherry's address. No matter how many times he visited the poor deluded woman, he could never keep the address in his head. Strange, that, since he usually had an impeccable memory for details. But then there was a great deal strange about Sherry. |
| Jeren'n'Tav |
"Ah-ha!" he exclaimed as he hauled the card free of a pile of paper. Holding it up level with the dash, he glanced at it, then out at the street. There was something wrong with the signs in this part of town, though he couldn't quite pin it down. Shaking his head, he found his exit and turned down the surprisingly dim and gritty street.... |
| JohnnyBGoode |
He was getting an awful headache, and the radio wasn't helping...... |
| Jay |
He also found that he'd forgotten to shave that morning. For that matter, he wasn't wearing a tie. How could he have come out dressed like that? |
| John |
He stopped in a parking lot that looked a bit less seedy than the other ones to try to regain his composure. The radio had stopped smudging his consciousness with MB20 and was now blithering commercials... |
| Anonamyous |
"Tickets are on sale for a limted time only or win your pair from KVQR!" He thought about his cell phone only to realise that it was on his nightstand. He couldn't find the address, and even if he could, he wouldn't dare go into the house looking like this. Rots slipped the car into gear and pulled out of the lot. |
| laoshi |
So our hero Rots drove back home, tail between his legs. Darn, he realized, he ain't going to make it to Sherry's place tonight. He managed to charge his battery and phone her to apologize about not making his appointment, but could only leave a message.
So frustrated was Rots that he drank a mickey of vodka and lumbered into bed, frustrated with the miserable condition he had wound himself into. |
| laoshi |
Sherry was thinking about Rots, thinking about calling him, thinking about the tensions between them... "does he know my secrets", she asked herself, "does she know my horrible secrets?"
The very next morning, Rots was... |
| emma |
shot and killed by an Elvis look-alike who had just escaped from.... |
| Johnny Shao |
waked up by a phone call.
A mysterious but oddly familiar voice.....
"Good MORning Dr. Rotsss....."
Dr. Rots found himself thinking about pickles. |
| aylijo |
Which was a bit ironic, considering he was dead. "An Elvis look-alike isn't a bad way to go, though, he thought as he struggled to draw recognition from the sinister yet comforting voice on the phone. "But, then again", he thought, "it makes sense to think of pickles when one is answering a phone posthumously... What else would one think of!"
|
| aylijo |
Dr. Rotssss... Are you LIStening?" The voice crooned, "We have Sherry. If you wish to see your patient alive, you will follow our directions and leave the police out of it. We'll call you in two hours with further instructions. Have a pleasant Morning!" The voice sounded down-right chipper.
Dr. Rots thought to himself... |
| Kai |
"My underpants are itchy, I need to switch fabric softeners" Dr. Rots decided that he did have enough time to run to the laundrymat and freshen up his undies. Let's face it people, when dealing with life and death situations you just can't think straight while your boxers are itchy. |
| Shao & friends |
So off he went to the laundry... it was a really old-fashioned one with church pew seats and a pool table and a lot of pinball machines, and a little TV up high in one corner. Dr. Rots put his stuff in to wash and sat there wondering how he'd managed to sink so low. |
| Shao & Friends |
One year you're sipping champagne and munching caviar bought with the proceeds of countless therapy sessions with all his clients who'd been sold on his theories.. the next, you're sitting in a seedy laundrette watching your shorts go into the spin cycle. |
| Shao & friends |
So Dr. Rots sat philosophically there watching it spin, it seemed like it was going to spin forever, and he somehow couldn't take his eyes off it. And from the TV came the sounds of a familiar commercial... |
| Shao & friends |
So Dr. Rots sat philosophically there watching it spin, it seemed like it was going to spin forever, and he somehow couldn't take his eyes off it. And from the TV came the sounds of a familiar commercial... |
| Shao & friends |
"Hiya friends, Ralphie Allison, Ralphie Allison Motors, 98022 Ventura Boulevard, seventeen blocks of the FINEST new and used minds this side of La Honda. We've got your Essence, we've got your Personality, IIF, ME's, DID's, MPD's, LSMFT's, all right here in Physicalspace... |
| Shao & friends |
"...and completely board certified by the Celestial Intelligent Energy. Yessirree friends, you don't have to take my word for it, you can look it up yourself in the Akashic Records, your Inner Self-Helper knows these are the best deals so come on down to Allison's WONDERLAND ..." |
| Jay & Andy |
In his befuddled condition, Dr. Rots heard his colleague /rival yapping out the above ridiculous information, and believed it was possible this was some kind of a lead to Sherry's whereabouts. He half suspected Dr. Ralphie of being in league with those darn Illuminati anyway -- it would certainly explain his overuse of acronyms. "CIE" indeed. That was probably code for CIA. |
| Anthea |
But on the other hand... hearing Ralphie's commercial had reminded him of the sorry condition his car was in. He wondered if one of Sherry's other personalities had been tampering with it while it was parked in his reserved space outside the clinic. Probably a rogue Protector Alter or something, he thought with a disdainful sniff.
He wanted a vacation. He wanted a very long vacation. |
| KTJ |
As Dr. Rots gathered up his tatty underwear and so forth, he decided he would go to Ralphie Allison's and see what kind of vehicles he had to offer ("probably grungy spaceships," he muttered under his breath, earning him a startled look from the Greek lady who was folding clothes at the next table) |
| KTJ |
...and see if he knew anything about Sherry. And if not, Dr. Rots thought to himself, he'd track her down if it meant going to .. Tahiti. Or Tierra Del Fuego. Or the far off Isles of Langerhans.....
|
| KTJ |
He departed just as a strangely accoutered deep blue biodiesel VW microbus pulled in, flashing an array of rainbowy underlights. Something incomprehensible was carefully painted on the rear doors, and it was apparently equipped with a sound system to end all sound systems, to judge by the fuzzgrunge that filled the air.... I admit I changed "SUV" to "biodiesel VW microbus" at the request of the man who actually drives the vehicle on which that was based. Sorry Gabe! - Nick Westman for KTJ, Sunday, March 25, 2007 11:17:53 AM |
| gavin hepworth |
It was a re-vamp of sound of silence by simon and garfuncle, Dr Rots grimised at the hi-volume evil that came from the speakers and he decided to do something about it.
The doctor walked over to intercept the driver and just as he drew near a small bear ran out as from nowhere and ate the driver.
"Ho, ya dont see that everyday" he said to himself and decided to go for a coffee in holand instead. |
| El Ron |
"Coffee's not gonna' cut it", he whispered on second thought. He needed to spice things up,.....pull himself together. Remembering seeing a small looking shack of a bar on the way to the Wash-o-matic. He headed up the street from which he had come. |
| El Ron |
Thinking tequila was the only way to chase that mysterious woman from his mind,..he knew he had to hurry.
Inside Tabernackles, the air was thick, and you could almost taste the smoke. Col took a seat next to a rather husky woman with what just might have been a beard. |
| El Ron |
Requesting a double of Jose, he noticed the soft sounds of Stevie Wonder flowing from the jukebox.He loved some Stevie. Reminiscing he thought of his long dead wife. Her beauty ... so graceful. They used to dance to this song for hours. God he missed her. She was murdered nine long year ago, and still it seemed no more than one. |
| El Ron |
The bartender slammed down a double-shot of tequila, bringing the Dr. back into reality.
"Don't let that bearded lady there bother yuh, she's always beggin' sumbody fer sum booze, know what'ah mean??"
"Got ya'."
"Ya' need sumthin' you just holler now"
"Will do." |
| El Ron |
it appears he wandered into a hick bar. What luck, he thought miserably. Knowing the whole time, that a little time with a woman was perhaps what the doctor ordered. That woman earlier,..why was she in the shadows? When he called out to her,...why did she run screaming? None of it made sense. Something strange was in town. |
| Gabe |
The bearded lady didn't say anything, though. Just sat there sipping her beer and nodding to the music. When she finished her drink she turned to Dr. Rots and said "Have you been feeling lately like something strange has hit town?" |
| Azusa |
Colon frowned, setting down his shotglass on the grimy counter. He wondered how much she knew. He had been trying to minimize publicity for his latest book on the CIA's secret "Project Pineapple" to purposely induce multiple personalities in test subjects,... |
| Azusa |
in conjunction with the Illuminati, BBC, CBS, NFL and Domino's Pizza, which could then be used for their own ends. (It did explain a lot about why Domino's tasted indistinguishable from the cardboard boxes it came in. You had to look for the evidence everywhere-- it was so cleverly hidden!) |
| Azusa |
Of course, the People Who Knew didn't like it that he Knew. He was certain he was being followed everywhere, in his car, at the supermarket, on his private yacht cruises in the Bahamas. Was the bearded lady one of -them-? He scrutinized her warily over the edge of the glass of tequila. |
| Gav |
And just then an otter carrying a news paper and stole colon's shoe lace and ran away tro the safety of a passing ship. |
| Cheru |
And a few clowns danced around Colon, cackling evily, before running off in different directions. |
| Elaq Chen |
"Did you see that?" the bearded lady asked. "What if I did?" Colon replied warily. "Well...." she hesitated, then squared her shoulders as if coming to a decision. "I have something that might interest you. It's in my purse. I'm going to reach in and get it." She reached slowly into her purse..... |
| anonymous |
and found a gun she took it out and shout everyone except her x boyfriend named........... |
| Garth of Izod |
But to get back to Dr. Rots... |
| Andy and Jay |
In the confusion, the bearded lady grabbed Dr. Rots' elbow and hustled him out of there into the back hallway where the bathrooms were. "Listen, I've gotta talk fast. Allison's got Sherry. You've got to get her out of there. They're going to use her for a spokesmodel." |
| Andy and Kai |
She handed Dr. Rots a wad of $500 bills. "You're going to need some help, and plenty of tequila." As Dr. Rots stared at the loot, the bearded lady looked around and said "I gotta go. They could be listening. I'll be at the Starlite Lounge next Wednesday at 7." With that, she dashed out the service exit and vanished, leaving Dr. Rots... |
| Bandit |
...standing in the middle of a deserted, rainwashed city street. The lights were just going out on the marquee of the Grand Maison, which looked anything but, while a resigned looking barkeep apathetically swept the last bit of broken glass off the sidewalk and into the gutter. |
| Bandit |
A faded sign proclaimed the ancient nightspot's claim to fame: food LIQUOR no cover!
His head ached. There was a metallic taste in his mouth that he suspected was blood, since his lip felt raw and tender. Rots was soaked and disshevelled,and glanced to his left, to find he was looking at...himself? |
| Bandit |
"Sherry! You've had a bit of a wild ride, haven't you?" Rots asked gently, taking her elbow.
Rots, er, Sherry looked down, taking in her mud-impregnated Doc Martins and the run in her goth minidress. Goth minidress? "Wha...?" |
| Bandit |
"You called me last night, at home. You didn't sound right. You were rambling on about aliens and bearded ladies and the CIA. Sherry," Rots continued gently, "it sounded like you had taken on me as one of your alters...I came as quickly as I could but it took me a while to find you."
Sherry sat down hard on the wet pavement. "I'm not Rots?"... |
| Kai |
Meanwhile on the other side of the Planet, the Grad High Illuminator was meeting with his secrect council in charge of project "Never stub your toes in the dark". "How goes it with the Rot subject my minions?", he ask in his dry and cracked voice... |
| Kai |
A voice that make you guess him more ancient then any other person in the world. "Director 60 watt soft glo, Report".
At that momment 30 watt glanced at the recorder, his irregular scribbilings punctuated by the sucking sounds of his Juicy Juice box. "@#$%" thought 30 watt, "I want some tropical berry mix". |
| Kai |
He looked down at what the recorder had copied from the night's meeting. "What a moron", he thought, "What the heck is a Grad, and shouldn't that be asks??. We need to stop sacrificing to the great flame, it seems to attract a lower calibur henchperson". |
| people who shouldn't be up this late |
well, that explains why all the members of the cabal were wearing mortarboards along with their Black Gowns....
"Enough," the Illuminator spoke. "60 watt, speak."
60 watt fumbled with his presentation. "We misdirected Dr Rots to the laundrette, and exposed him to the encoded message cleverly disguised as a TV commercial. He fell for it completely, and by this time tomorrow he will have been completely internalised... into ..
THOUGHT*SPACE*~."
|
| people who shouldn't be up this late |
The Great Illuminator nodded. "All well and good," he said. "Does he suspect at all that his own system is being exploited?"
30 watt broke up laughing until 60 watt glared at him (pretty good trick for a softglo) and shut him up. "He doesn't even know he has a system, Your Effulgence..." |
| Whoolfman |
music took control of sherry and she became debbie holing brian tight so he wouldnt fall and get hurt, where the heck is that darned adress?I had it here a minute ago,oh well. he said as he slithered back into his car. the road is wet and the fog makes seeing anything... |
| Whoolfman |
but the lights of the city far down below. he parked the car and slowly looked over the rim of the cliff,he thought about jumping but the voices in his head kept saying,screaming no dont do it. he quickly stood back from the cliff and then she appeared,the tall blonde beach loving feary sissy. As she/he walked back to the car she/he muttered 'I need a drink". |
| Kai |
"Then again maybe not," came the next thought. "My grammer and spelling seem to be sufficently impaired as is." The debbie rots being got back into his/her car and rolled down the windows. "Maybe some coffee will do me some good" he/she muttered. After all the lack of sleep from the past few days has been a trying experience. At that momment Rots/debbie glanced into the rear view mirror and noticed something that both shocked and deeply disturbed him/her. |
| Kai |
It was a Starbucks...
"I could have sworn that wasn't there a minute ago," he/she thought, "I sure could use a double expresso".
Meanwhile back in the inner sanctum of the Grand High Illuminator a handful of men sit in a smoky room, drinking vodka, and speaking in hushed voices.
"How goes project Omega Delta Gamma Gamma Kai Zeta..oh @#$%it you know what I'm talking about, who came up with this stupid name anyway?"
|
| Kai |
"It goes well my master," answered the man in the frilly purple tutu, "We are setting up Starbucks all around the world, impregnating our various brews with the mind control drugs, driving the unsuspecting fools to crave coffee!!" "Soon the whole world will be a Starbucks based economy!" |
| Kai |
The minion glanced down at the the papers in front of him. "We are also looking into replacing some of the idiot henchpersons, not much luck there i'm afraid."
"Good enough for now," muttered the master, "good enough for now...." |
| Kai |
The minion glanced down at the the papers in front of him. "We are also looking into replacing some of the idiot henchpersons, not much luck there i'm afraid."
"Good enough for now," muttered the master, "good enough for now...." |
| Phoenix |
As he (they?) walked into the the coffe shop he saw a poem on the wall, aprarrently dedicated to the Coffee Goddess. It disturbed him deeply. He suspected...no never mind, "Drugged coffee is too much even for the Illumanti," he muttered to himself. |
| Phoenix |
Nonetheless he found himself longer for a -safer- coffee shop. Some place friendly.
He longed for his college days.
Then he was walking out sucking on a frappicino. He thought to himself, "I hate these things, don't know why I get them. They taste like ice cream."
(YAY! Ice cream!)
"Whatever."
Dr Rots looked around with the distinct impression someone had just read his mind.... |
| Phoenix |
As he (they?) walked into the the coffe shop he saw a poem on the wall, aprarrently dedicated to the Coffee Goddess. It disturbed him deeply. He suspected...no never mind, "Drugged coffee is too much even for the Illumanti," he muttered to himself. |
| Shiou Nomiya |
At he stood in front of the Starbucks, great killer of local cafés, he found that he was unable to enter due to a terrible feeling of déjà vu. As if he was about to walk into a coffee shop that he'd already walked into before, and see a poem to a goddess that he had already read before. |
| Shiou Nomiya |
He also wondered if The Matrix could be adapted into one of those "THEY WERE ALL MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES ALL ALONG" mind@#$% surprise ending films. But that was just something that was bugging him.
Even so, he checked the street behind him with Debbie's compact mirror. Better safe than sorry. |
| Mack Beth |
In the mirror, he saw the pattern of a tweed skirt.
"What on earth are you doing?" he heard the British Lady say. "You look incredibly foolish. And you're filthy to boot. Go take a shower or something!" |
| Nguyen Bao |
Startled, he turned around, prepared to pretend that he knew kung-fu. In place of the British Lady he already knew, however, was a high-class nanny from Bradford-on-Avon with the head of a very attractive orangutan.
"What?" said the orangutan-nanny. "Is there something on my face?" (She dabbed at her nose a bit with a cloth handkerchief.) |
| twistedchick |
So he had hot chocolate instead, which carried its own protection against being drugged-- it was already enchanted to make people happy. |
| Muse |
His pupils enlarged from the MDMA-laced hot chocolate (enchantment, my ass), and he knew all at once that it was not the Illuminati that should be worrying him... but at this point nothing was bothering him in the slightest. |
| Elaq Chen |
"No doubt about it," he thought with what was left of his mind, "I've got to find out how Sherry got away from Allison. That charlatan must have a fiendish plan for world domination. Working with Sherry, I might be able to find out what it is and stop it... before it's too late!" |
| Ally Cleetz |
The only problem was, Rots didn't know where Sherrey was at the moment. Plus, he was starting to shake all over from his third--yes, third--cup of whatever it was he just drank. His mind felt cloudy... "I know," he thought as he hopped at super speed into his car like a bad version of Superman, "I'll use my astral mind powers to find her!" So, as he drove, he closed his eyes...hoping to stay in a straight line, and astral projected himself for Sherry... |
| Leo |
Dr. Rots flew through a tunnel of light where he heard Enya singing at the end. "I better not be dead yet. I have a mission,"he thought, then suddenly found himself in a dark place where Sherry was, eyes pleading. "I wouldn't touch her," cautoined a sinister voice from behind, "she'snot theSherry you knew." |
| Ally |
"Who's there?" asked Rots in his best police-like voice that he hoped was fierce enough. The woman emerged from the shadows of the murky basement. "Don't play stupid with me," said the woman from behind Rots who still watched Sherry gesture toward something behind her. |
| Ally |
Rots lookedbehind Sherry and saw that she was pointing to a switchboardwith many wires and blinking lights. . "A virtual reality control board?" Rots wondered. "What did you think it was?" sneered the evil woman from behind him who read his thoughts. startled, Rots whirled around. |
| mishmash |
"You're in a virtual reality!" cried the woman, and transformed into a huge, hopping rabit with yellow eyes and vampire fangs. All of a sudden, Rots felt his body being pulled away...through the tunnel of light... |
| Andryn 2-X |
"Shacawcaw! Now I'll never rescue Sherry pie--pie? Hmmmm," Rotz considered as he settled back into his physical body again. Could pie be the answer to enticing those evil virtual reality villains? Could he distract them? |
| Elaq |
He'd have to think about this later, he realised, as he'd unwisely left his body while driving on the freeway at rush hour.... |
| Andryn 2-X |
"Oh, ssssssssshhhhhugar!I'm dead!" he thought as he realized he really wasn't in h his whole body but rising out now. "Hey, I wonder what heaven's like?"
Just then, as rotzz decided with some relief that he was dead and didn't have to worry about S Sherry anymore, he heard a stern voice say... |
| skator chick |
"Collin! Or was it Colin? Oh, whatever. AS your guardian angel God says you're not finished so wipe that stupid dreamy look off your face and get ba kcto work. The world depends on you!"
A bolt of lightning shot at Drl rotsz which snapped him outof his daze and he found himself sitting up in his car, hands on the wheel and driving perfectly straight.
He muttered some bad stuff under his breath |
| Andryn 2-X |
as he continued driving through the crowded city and swerved past someone very familiar. The bearded lady ShHe pulled over his car with such force he left two fire trails behind him.
"Wait! I know who's causing all the problems!" he called out to the he-woman. |
| Androgyn xxxy |
rotz pulled over to the side of the street. The he-woman came over to his car.
"Okay," rotz said, "Sherry's got a tech guy in her multiple system whose helping these bad people in an underground...place to build a virtual reality machine to control the world. all minds will perceive the world in an alternate reality!"
"Where's this secret place?"
"Uh, you're asking me? I went astrally. I don't have a @#$% clue." |
| merging faces |
"Yeah, well, I think I know where it is."
"where?"
The she-woman gave a sly smile.
"Let me drive," shesaid and shoved Rotz over to the passenger seat as she got inside the car. |
| merging faces |
The she-woman hit the gas and they swerved around street corners, zipped through the main intersections so fast Rotz got dizzy trying to figure out just where they were headed.
"sowhere are we headed?" he asked after they'd left the city and got onto a highway.
"You'll see. Cars have ears,m too, you know, doc." |
| gender blender |
"Ah, I found it,"said the she-woman with eyes that lit up like two lightbulbs as they pulled up to an abandoned warehouse, "just takes some psychic powers is all. You really got to brush up on that, kiddo."
"Yeah, yeah. Let's just find Sherry so I can get that pizza I'm craving for suddenly." |
| phantom shift |
Together colen and the she-woman stealthily walked toward the entrance of the building. The door was off its hinges and the windows were boarded up.
"How we going to get in without anyone, like, hearing us?"
|
| phantom shift |
Together colen and the she-woman stealthily walked toward the entrance of the building. The door was off its hinges and the windows were boarded up.
"How we going to get in without anyone, like, hearing us?"
|
| Phantom shift |
"Quiet, you--" hissed she-woman, "I have an invisibility ray that both makes us unseen and unheard. Stand still."
A device like a hot glue gun was brought out from the she-woman's beach bag purse and she aimed it at Dr. Rotz who vanished in its beam.
"Cool," he said as the she-woman also became unseen, even to his eyes.
"Hey!" Colen cried out with alarm, "I can't seeyou!"
"chill, babycakes. Mental transference. I still hear you in my mind," she/he answered. |
| phantom shift |
The she-woman whipped out a device that resembled a TV remote.
"Invisibility ray that makes us both completely silent and unseen. The new 2006 version," she-woman added with a wink.
she shot a beam of light from the invisibility ray that made Dr. Rotz disappear and then Shewoman made herself invisible. |
| Merging Faces |
IT was then she-woman and Dr. Rotz realized they'd just repeated themselves in their process of invisiblizing themselves in two different versions.
"Oh, shnikapoo," She-woman uttered, "they've cought us in their virtual loop."
"Huh? I don't get it."
"You monkeybutt! WE've been caught already which means our chances getting in there to rescue Sherry are slim as...well, you think of a mediphore!" |
| Merging Faces |
Just then, flashing lights and a buzzing alarm went off inside the building.
"Uh-oh," Dr. rotz looked around, "now what?" |
| Mmm-bop the Last |
the harsh barking of guard dogs grew louder inside the building and a swarm of tough guys all dressed in black came from around the corner of the building.
they seized Dr. Rotz and the she-woman with a huge net.
"Hey! You lied to me," Dr. Rotz cried with fury as he and the she-woman were dragged into the darkened warehouse. |
| Androgyn xxy |
"What are you talking about?" the she-woman cried, "it's not my fault they have psychic powers to sense our energy fields!"
The men in black gruntd and shoved Colon and the he-woman into a back room where a bunch of machines with flashing buttons and many crisscrossing wires were stationd.
"Now," said one of the biggest men, "flip the switch, Melvin!" |
| Androgyhn xxxy |
Colon watched to his uttter shock as sherry, wearing a white smock, flippped a huge switch. Sparks flew all over the room and everything spun like a top.
It was then colon realized he was sitting on something soft and not under a net. He also noticed how hairy he'dbecome.
"what's this squishy thing I'm holding?" he asked out loud, completely dazed.
"Banana," replied the he-woman warily. |
| The Imitator |
horified, Colon looked down at his gorilla paw and saw that he truly was squashing a banana and was sitting on the jungle flor.
"I hate bananas! I'm alergic to them!" colon screamed and thrust the banana right in Sherry's face. |
| The Imitator |
"oops. Sherry--"
"It's Melvin the mighty inventor, rotz. don't forget it. Looks can be deceiving,I know. but I always knew you were one big fat monkey under that phony professional psychologist exterior of yours. so I changed it to your true nature." |
| Merging faces |
Colon turned to see that the he-woman had become a scrawny chimpanzee. the guys in black were nowhere in sight. Only Sherry/Mighty Melvin before him standing there in the thick jungle that steamed like a sonna. |
| Merging Faces |
Colon watched as Sherry's face changed into a sneaky grinning face of a man and her whole body became like the Incredible Hulk's.
sherry/Melvin/Hulk lumbered forward with beady eyes and grunted, "My ultimate revenge, rotz. for all those times you played therapist only to give us medicine to make our "illusions" disappear!" |
| searching soul |
colon hunkered down but realized he was a gorilla and stood up in his best gorilla fighting stance.
"Oot, oot!" hesaid while pounding his chest with a fist.
The monstress Melvin-faced sherry roared and grew even biggre, and lundged straight for colon. |
| xxxy Androgyn |
both Colon and Sherry the Hulk charged at each other, their eyes staring into one another's with blind rage.
"I can't see when I'm blinded with rage!"
(ahem--you're ruining the script, Rotz)
rotz, blinded by rage, didn't see the hairy fist of Sherry come pounding right in his face. |
| Silver wolf |
Colon expected to feel the pain from the blow but instead, he felt his whole self grow very tiny.
"Hey! Since when do I shapeshift without warning?" he demanded to know, seeing that he was now a pathetic-looking ...
|
| KTJ (dying laughing) |
cute little kitten, the kind you find on so many of those SURVIVOR pages... the ones written by so many of Rots' clients after having been convinced by him that they were being TRIGGERED by everything around them and they needed a SAF PLAS FOR ALL DA LILS! Meanwhile, the bearded lady (monkey) was sneaking up the side wall, heading for the fuse box... |
| the Howler |
Colon gulped and searched for something to climb up. A tree.This he attempted with his measly little kitten claws and slid right back down to the ground just as the hulk, now a huge snake, thrust its head forward. |
| the Howler |
Colon let out wimpy meow for help as the hissing yellow-eyed parted jaws to reveal three rows of fangs. Colon cowarded down, and everything flashed brilliant white! |
| Hidden Fangs |
Colon squeezed his eyes shut and shook all over as he felt the breze from the snakes hot breath. His whole life had just flashed before him and, man, had it been bright. Was Sherry really going to kill him? could she in a virtual world? |
| Andryn 2-X |
"Virtually, I can!" Sherry, the snake, said in his mind.
Then, just as Colon's fuzzy kitten body was grabbed roughly by its scrawny throat by the fangs of his assailant, and he thought all hope of ever getting that pizza he still craved, oddly, had vanished, everything changed. He grew, the snake let him drop to the ground and the steamy jungle became musty and dark.
|
| werechild |
Confused in his regular human body once again and staring at the shocked face of sherry, who was on her belly with blond hair fizzed rizzed out all over, Colon Rotz began to laugh with relief. HE laughed so hard he began to cry.
"Oh, shicawcaw!We're back in the w-warehouse.I'm safe!"
"Rotz, kiddo," came the bearded lady's voice from behind him, "not yet, sweetcakes."
|
| John Shao |
"Ooof," Sherry grunted, raising her head and taking in the smoke-filled laboratory and her erstwhile victims. "What do I did?" She tried to sit up, looked around again and focused on the bearded lady, who looked definitely apprehensive, and more to the point, at what was BEHIND her.... |
| Yingyang |
four tough guys dressed in black stood behind the bearded woman with stern faces.
"Sherry, you failed" screamed one of the biggest men, "and you , Rotz, and you, hairy-faced woman, better be ready for round Two!" |
| Snazzy Jazzy |
"Round Two? What is this? Some sort of boxing match?" the bearded lady inquired with puzzled eyes as the men closed in on her, Colen, and Sherry, who looked very child-like now with her frightened blue eyes.
"Awww, shut your--"
Boom! Something blew up and emitted a huge cloud of blue and black smoke that made them all gag.
"What," choked the big guy, "was that--hack--hack!"
|
| Energy wolf |
"That," answered the bigendered woman rather triumphantly, "was a virtual reality machine blowing up teleknetically. Aren't I good?" (She smiles in the fog of smoke and leads a dazed Rotz and Sherry out for the exit as the four big guys pass out from the intoxicating smoke.)
|
| Sleepy eyed at Midnight |
"Come on," urged the bearded lady, "this place is going to blow up with all the wiring."
"Are you saying you destroyed the VR machine?" Rotz choked as they hurried to the caar, Sherry trailing along behind them.
"Yes, but don't think we're safe, Rotzwiler."
The bearded woman pressed the pedal to the metal and they were out of there to see the building behind them blow up in blue flames with a thunderous roar. |
| Skyelor the Other |
After they'd entered the city and hid in a coffee shop where Sherry had a big slice of chocolate cheesecake to ease her nerves, the bearded woman got down to tobusiness.
"Rotz," she began in her solemnnest of tones, although I don't think that's a real word here, "you, are, an, idiot."
"Huh?" rotz dropped his cup of pineapple peanutbutter cappuchino that spilled all over his lap. "Me? what are you talking about?"
"All the stuff you caused."
"Not-uuuhh," he denied. |
| sleeping with opened eyes |
"Actually, she's right. sort of," Sherry piped up as she licked each finger clean of chocolate gunk, "if you'd just...uh, well, forget it. What Androgyna here meant to say was that you're an idiot in a special way. You're a unique therapist no one should compare you to other therapists, right? so you're delusional maybe at times..." |
| Bifaced |
"Androgyna? that's your name?"
"Rotz," Androgyna, as you know the beardded lady as of now, said, "didi you even hear a word Sherrry said? Yes, that's my name. Well, one of them."
"You mean you have two?"
"I just said that. Waiter, check please!"
|
| Merging Faces |
"So, Colen," said Sherry, who now leaned back in the passengerside seat of his car as he sat with cappichino stained pants in the backseat, "after what you went through today, think you'll quit your job as therapist and switch to...I don't know... Wal-mart greeter?
Rotz shot sherry, who smiled slyly, a disgusted look.
He replied,... |
| Firecat |
"I think not. You're still my client and desperately need my help. And don't think you--"
suddenly, androgyna slammed on the brakes with a screeching of tires. |
| Firecat |
Colen and sherry jolted forward with the suddden stop.
"Whoa!"Would you let me drive my own car, please?" Rotz said with annoyance.
"sorry, but we almost ran over a stinkbomb that would have made us stink for the next fifty days," answered androgyna calmly. |
| Canis lupus |
They continued driving into the city.
"As I was saying," Rotz continued as he leaned back in his seat, "you're still my client and don't think you need help. Sherry? Sherry, are you listening?"
Sherry was staring intently at the rearview mirror as she watched a purple van follow them.
"A purple van is following us," she said vaguely.
"So? It could be Santa clause for all I care. Sherry, I'm--"
"Shut up colen!" Androgyna cried, something's up." |
| clock seer |
"up? I don't see anything on my cieling--"
"Rotz, someone's following us. Something smells really fishy around here and my psychic powers say to find out who they ar," Androgyna replied aas she pulled over to the side of the street.
"But my car could get stinkombedstinkbombed or smell more tunaish if you stop," Colen argued, "and besides, I still want my piza." |
| genetic dog |
"WE got 'em,boys," said the guy with the cigar in his mouth as the car in front of him pulled over,"Rotz is ours."
The Paranoiecs Patrol had been trying to track down Colen Rotz for the past twenty-fourhours. they almost had him in the virtual reality loop but he got away.
|
| genetic dog |
"Too bad about that."
(uh, you're ruining the script, man).
"Oh. sorry. Okay, boys! Get your butts out there!" commanded Commander Smoky--the guy driving and puffing the cigar, that is. |
| unoriginal writer |
the men in black rushed out of the Barnhy purple van and surrounded the bearded woman with yellow guns raised.
"Hey, squirt guns. How clever."
"Quiet, he-woman! We're the paranoiec patrol and Colen Rotz is under our control. By the way, these aren't just squirt guns. They're the new XP $$@@##^^%%%%%&&&@@@@!!&&**^^^555574465 squirt guns!" Commander Smoky barked through his megaphone out his window. |
| dilirious |
"Oh, really," Androgyna ran her fingers through her beard, "and what has the Rotzster done this time?"
"Nothing. I mean, he's making all his clients paranoid, or paranoiec, being theproper term. I have authority under the national complaints list to lock him in the Paranoiec Crackerbox tower for the next seventy-three years."
|
| tingle paws |
|
| tingle paws |
|
|
"Nottoday."
Commander Smoky pufed his cigar furiously and leaned out his window as the patrol guys raised their guns.
"All right," growled Commander Smoky, "that's enough of this She-woman hero junk. show me the Rotzster." |
| Icecube |
Suddenly, Colen swung his door open and leapt out of the car with sherry behind him.
"All right, you purple-van-squirt gun-punks!" cried Rotz as courageously as he could,"quit following us so I can get some Pizza Hut here. I'm starving."
The commander made a peace sign and the guys shot their guns. |
| Icecubve |
A stream of colored silly string came streaming out all over the place.
"I'm alergic to silly string!"
"Rotz!Quit itching yourself like thatand start running@!" yelled Androgyna.
"Run? Why would I run? I'm sick of this capture-the-mad-therapist stuff. Sherry, kick some hippo flab!"
|
| multi-eight |
"You mean hippo booty?" she said as she rushed at the guys still blindly shooting one another and their targets.
"Haiya!"Sherry exclaimed as she did a backflip and kicked a guy in the chest.
The other guys dropped their guns with surprise.
"Whoa! Who are you?" one guy demanded.
|
| multi-eight |
"Shangla, Jackie Chang's sister," said Sherry/Shangla as she punched another guy in the face.
Boom! Pow! Thud.
"oooOuch,"groaned the guys as they all fell under Shangla's mighty punches and kicks.
"You lazybutts! Get up! You're still on duty!" Commander Smoky bellowed with rage as he continued puffing his fifteenth cigar. |
| Moon dancer |
"Not anymore," androgyna said as she leapt onto the hood of the van.She stared at Commander Snmoky through the windshield and it burst into a milion pieces.
"Hey!I just waxed that ten times this morning!"
"sorry, Puff Daddy," Androgyna said, "but mind is more powerful than you're little paranoiecs patrol. |
| snowy paws |
...And wouldn't you love to help people like Sherr, or our little Shangla here? By depriving the world of a great therapist like Colen Rotz would only cause more trouble for the delusional," Androgyna concluded.
"Get off your soapbox" Roared Smoky.
"OH, I already did. Now, say goodbye ," the bearded lady sent smoky into demention Macaroni Cheezzz where he smoked cheesesticks for the rest of his life. |
| skater dude |
"Yousaved my life," sniffled rotz as he blew into his pink hanky.
"Oh, quit being a ninny and let's go to PizzaHut."
"Yay! You're the best, Androgyna. "
|
| skater dude |
AS Androgyna drove rotz's car and Rotz sat in the backseat with Sherry upfront, Rotz asked, "Why's everyone being so nice to me all of a sudden? I mean, I'm an idiot you all say and that I should quit my job." |
| Sinus in the face |
"Because the world really needs an idiot like you, that's why. forget the conspiracy and Mighty Melvin's--uh, (here the bearded woman glanced at a grinning Sherry)--evil plan because that's just how life is. Unfair, trechorous and all around...smelly like stinkbombs and tuna fish sandwiches." |
| hairballs |
"Um, could we please not talk about stinkbombs and tuna fish sandwiches because--"
|
| interupted |
"Look out!" cried Sherry as they came up to the Pizza Hut.
"WE almost misssed it," breathed Sherrry as androgyna slowed to a stop in the lot.
"sorry. I was pondering," she said.
"About me?"
"Rotz, get out of the car,"said Androgyna with exasperation. |
| time jumper |
Inside Pizza Hut, the three of them happily devoured their quadroopal layered pizza with breadsticks.
"And Anchovies," Rotz said, "don't forget--aaaaahhh!"
"Colen?Are you okay? Why're you bowing down to your anchovy like that?"
"Oh, sherry. Its a long story but...did you know anchovies have feelings, too?" |
| pained cerebral |
"Uuuhh, no but whatever. You're the doc."
"No, it's not just what I say. It's true! Once, not very long ago,an anchovy spoke words of wisdom to me."
"Yeah, uh-huh. And my cousin's an elephant in mouse's clothing," androgyna smirked. |
| tappentry |
"Oh, but ith's thrue. WE do hath theelings..."
"Did you hear that?" Sherry looked around.
"Yeah. Maybe my conscious but it sounded like it came from my plate."
"It did!"
colen held the anchovy up in his hands
"Nope. I need hearing aids," Androgyna shook her head. |
| ghosted |
AS for Operation Pineapple who were also involved with the Virtual Reality Loop, welllet's just say their whole operation was foiled. They wanted to target Dr. Rotzm, most of all, to make him the most complicated. To let him know what he was really dealing with in his profession as a therapist. |
| ghosted |
AS for Operation Pineapple who were also involved with the Virtual Reality Loop, welllet's just say their whole operation was foiled. They wanted to target Dr. Rotzm, most of all, to make him the most complicated. To let him know what he was really dealing with in his profession as a therapist. |
| techna |
"I was so sure OperationPineapples would work."
The boss slammed his fists against his fancy shmancy desk that woke up the dinosaurs with its impact.
"Now, Boss, we'll just have to come up with something more clever next time."
The head of the Illuminated Tower glared across at the henchman in blue silk.
"Next time? You sissy, there won't be a next time." |
| Techna |
The henchman in silk sputtered and flapped his hands with desperation.
b-b-b-but we have to get our weekly coupons. There's a sale going on at Jimmy's Market. I want more banana fudge for my birthday that's coming up. Besides, what about the plan? Yu can't just--"
"Awww, shush for once. Don't woryry about your coupons. I'm going to the Bongo Islands for five months." |
| Techna |
"b-b-but why? to find enlightenement for Operation Banana Peel Plan B2?"
"Nooo, bimbo. I'm retiring. Tell all those cigar-smoking employees and that idiot in the purple tutu that Illumination Tower Incorporatededded is shut down--forever!" |
| Techna |
With those words, the whole silver tower grew dark and dingy and the electricity shut off. The former henchman watched with teary eyes as their only hope of being anything but losers waved a last goodbye as he hoisted his briefcase over his shoulder and hailed the first yellow taxi in town hhe saw and sped off to Disaster Airport. |
| Techna |
"Don't fear, boys," growled one of the cigar-smoking loser henchman, "Commander Smoky would know what to do--that is, if he weren't stuffing his face with cheese stics right about now. We'll make our own corporation so humungousBoss will wish he were baking cookies and pies at Burnt Crust's Bakery." |
| Rock N roll Razorblade |
Meanwhile, back at dr. Colen rotz's house, he crashed with exhaustion on his living room floor and snored loud as a chainsaw, dreaming of virtually dying, of sherry stil on his caseload, and of Androgyna being one big psychic puzzle.
dogs barked and people yelled throughout the night as Rotz snored like a chainsaw. |
| turntable |
That night, only Colen got the most sleep in the city and awoke to face very grouchy coworkers the following morning.
"ah, another workday. So glorious,"
"Colen, I'm tired and don't want to hear it," mumbled the secretary in rollers as rotz entered the office.
"Fine, be a grouch." |
| werechild |
"Colen, it's not my fault some dork was running a chainsaw all night long! My goochies! Didn't you hear it?" |
| werechild |
He shrugged and grinned clownishly.
"Well, now, maybe it wasn't a chainsaw. I mean, maybe it was some guy snoring after a hard day's misadventure? C'mon. What idiot would be up all night sawing?"
"
What idiot could snore that loud--get to work! I have a lot of reports and gum to chew so get going." |
| icecube |
Sighing and closing the door to his office, Colen looked and saw Sherry waiting for him in a chair as she twirled her blond hair like some dumb blond.
"Like, hey Doc," she greeted as Dr. Rotz saw down across from her. |
| icecube |
"Oh, you must be...uh, anni? Andrea? Help me out here."
"Angie. Angela, actually, but chaw. Whatever. Look, I really don't think I need to be here. Treatment is, like, so out." |
| iicecube |
"Well," Rotz cleared his throat and tapped his chewed pen nervously on the edge of his notepad, "well...well..."
Colen had a flashback!
"Ow, that was bright. Turn the flash down. Please? Yeah. I did. I just remembered that I'm the therapist here and am here to help clients like Sherry who have too many people too keep track of. I have tweenty-five files--" |
| Alex Gardner |
|
| sweetspot |
"Twenty-fiver files on Sherry--" "Angela! The name's,like, Angela! And, like, you need a vacay, man."
"A what?"
"vacation. You know, like palm trees and buf surfers dudes--oops. Hot babes for you. You haven't taken avacation in , like, forever!" |
| sweetspot |
Colen tried to recall his last vacation and saw the image of a geeky kid petting pigs.
flash!
"ow. Watch the flashbacks. OH, my holy bezoonas! You're right! The last time I went on a vacation was when I was five-years-old when my pops took me to a petting pig farm in Texas! Yay! NO more work for the next..." |
| crosswired |
So Rotz left for home, packed his bags, and booked a flight for the Boogabooga islands where all is tranquil and the sea is the center of the universe, or that's how the commercials claim it to be. so his first two days were grand with steamy ocean swims and tropical white sands and great room service. IT was all great until... |
| crosswired |
So Rotz left for home, packed his bags, and booked a flight for the Boogabooga islands where all is tranquil and the sea is the center of the universe, or that's how the commercials claim it to be. so his first two days were grand with steamy ocean swims and tropical white sands and great room service. IT was all great until... |
| crosswired |
Until...cue the mysterious music. Good.
"Enjoying the sun?" asked the skinny guy in penguin swim trunks on the beach chair next to Colen, who was so sunburned his skin steamedas he lay on his Survivor Kitty towel reading a book on neurons.
Colen looked up at the guy next to him.
"Oh, fantastic." |
| crosswired |
"Hey, wait a minute," said the skinny guy as he crossed his eyes in concentration, "you're that Rotz guy. right?Yeah! You are!" |
| crosswired |
"So what if I am? Just pretend I'm not here. I'm on vacay."
"What?"
"You know, vacation? Duh?"
Suddenly, the skinny guy leapt up and grabbed Rotz by the shoulders.
"Oooww! My tender spot!"
Shut up. You're just the one we've been after." |
| pseudo chick |
"What? Who are you?"
"A guy trying to hide like you! Just a sec."
With that the skinny guy whipped out his cell phone from behind his ear and dialed a number.
"Boys, I've got him. Right here, all cooked and ready."
"Don't eat me. I come from a bad line of genes." |
| pseudo chick |
I mean you're vulnerable! Not tasty! Now, we need you're knowellege. All you know about Sherry and others with multiple people running around in their heads." |
| pseudo chick |
"Why" Why meee?"
"Don't be such a baby. Now, I'll tell you who I am. I'm the former guy of Pineapples Incorporated but it fell apart. Now we're back in action because of you!"
With that, the former guy of Operation Pineapples shot Colon in the butt with a tranquilizor and he fell asleep. |
| pseudo chick |
Then colon was carried away in a secret submarine to a secret lab where Pineapples would continue. Where that was and just what would happen no one but the guy of Pineapples knew. all anyone knew was that Colon Rotz really meant it when he said he'd be gone on vacation.
|
| pseudo chick |
One month past. Then five. Then seven. And soon, strange things began to happen. At least, that's what Androgyna felt She knew. Oh, she knew something was wrong. something to do with Colon... |
| crosswired |
What that was no one was quite sure and Androgyna and Sherry decided to investigate...
Epilogue
The events that followed were quite strange for sherry and Androgyna but they packed plent of jelly beans for the trip. |
| crosswired |
for Colon, it was more than that. And his story and what took place in the secret lab along with Sherry and Androgyna's side of the story to get to Colon to stop the madness taking over everyday routines to buy a milkshake after work is another story... |
| crosswired |
another story indeed. Indeed. Indeed...
That's a wrap!
The End |
| Agent Biproduct |
Roll the credits!
Thanks to all those with wild imaginations for making this sequel of Colen Rotz Rerun possible.
|
|
