Astraea's Infamous Add-On Story

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Halloween Tale

The Heroes: None, everybody's about equally inept
Title: The Rumors Behind The News
Theme: On Halloween eve, an unholy conspiracy is about to commence.

This paragraph is by Molly
Yes, it was a dark and moonless night, when Ondo Vlacek returned from the dead. It had been an unusually short summer. Already the leaves were turning, falling from the trees and swirling in mystical patterns along the narrow streets, although it was not yet September. The villagers were suspicious of this change, and rightly so. They knew the old stories about what was *really* in the hideous castle up on the mountain. Children were warned not to play outdoors after dark, and the old grandmothers whispered ancient prayers and hung protective herbs and icons above the doorways and windows... and meanwhile in Griffey, Indiana...
This paragraph is by Cutter S. of MAH
     Andrew Fanshaw was crooning away "I Will Survive" Karaoke style at the local bar. It was his birthday, and his friends had taken him out for a good time. It appeared as if he was definitely having one. Everyone was. Drinking, dancing, singing all night long.... It was fabulous. Until, that is, the full moon suddenly shone through a break in the clouds outside. ...
This paragraph is by Bob Himself of Firewheel
     Up to that point, it had been a dark and stormy night. The weatherman had promised overcast skies for that entire week. And so, for the first time in a long and surprisingly uneventful life, Tommy Sanderson had ignored the calandar in the hopes of getting lucky on Halloween. Just once. Just to say he had. But as the pale light washed through the windows of the bar he felt the transformation come upon him.... His current companion stared in horrified facination as his glasses fell off his face and his vision sharpened; "Oh God, you are so CUTE!" she gushed as she grabbed Tommy the Were-Persian and clasped him to her ample artificial breasts. Tommy's last coherent human thought trickled slowly through his now largely feline brain-pan: "Oh God. I hope I don't get neutered again!"
This paragraph is by Cutter of the MAH
     Suddenly, the large-breasted beauty let out a huge sneeze. "Oh dear, you're a long-haired cat!" she said, "I'm a..ahh..choo. Allergic to long-haired cats! I'd better leave." She picked up her coat and left, sneezing all the way as poor Tommy sat on the barstool, meowing helplessly after her.
This paragraph is by Ben of the MAH
     Andrew Fanshawe completed his off-key antics and stumbled off the stage. When he was on his way back to the bar, he tripped on something and fell on his face. He groaned and held his bumped nose. He looked around to see what had tripped him and there, behold, was Tommy the WerePersian in his cat form, smoking a cigarette. "Aw, man! Tom, you just had to turn into a goddamned cat again didn't you?" The bar suddenly went silent, but it wasn't because of Andrew's remark, but a strange creature had just come in through the front door. "Oh my God!" someone screamed "It's a Giant SNATCH!"
This paragraph is by Andy Temple (Don't you know better than to pull something like that on a Lewis Carroll fan?)
     a BANDERsnatch, to be specific... It crawled up to the bar and took a couple of seats. "What'll you have?" said the bartender, totally unphased... he'd seen it all. "I'm lookin't'get FRUMIOUS," the BanderSnatch replied.
This paragraph is by Cutter of the MAH
     Meanwhile, back in his castle, Ondo Vlacek suddenly felt a terrible shiver. He went to his fireplace and gazed into the flames. "Show me!" he commanded, and then he recoiled in terror. Then he quickly resumed his petulantly dangerous stance. "It's HIM!" he spat.
This paragraph is by Abaddon of the Army
     "It is my arch nemesis," he murmured coldly. "I shall see him destroyed. I shall rake his body along hot coals. I shall make him dance on those coals. I shall have my revenge!!" Vlacek had never forgiven him for the disaster that had occurred at his evil prom at his evil high school soon before he, Vlacek, died an evil death.
This paragraph is by Ben of the MAH
     Flashback: Ondo Vlacek, spotted with acne, has the date of his dreams for the prom. The lead cheerleader, Sonya Parker. He finally feels welcome in this evil high school for once. Dancing, talking to people, and knowing it was going to be all right for a change. Surprise! He and his date are elected prom king and queen. They walk up to the podium proudly, accept their crowns, and suddenly a bucket of pig's blood knocks over and spills all over him...eerily like a movie he just saw the other day. He, quaking with rage turns his head upwards and sees a cat's slitted eyes staring down at him from the beams above the stage.
This paragraph is by John Shao
     The cat gave an evil (of course) yowl and spoke. "He promised me my revenge, and now I HAVE it! Farewell!" and it vanished in a puff of green smoke. "He?" said Sonya. "Who is 'he'?"
This paragraph is by Molly
     But she received no reply. For Vlacek, his mind totally deranged, was now out the door and running naked through the neighborhood. All the people were screaming in terror, and turning to stone... the evil high school had never been the same... and as for Sonya, she hadn't been able to put on so much as a pair of socks since then.... until now...
This paragraph is by Ford
     She pulled a sock onto her left foot slowly. Her mind was full of flashbacks. All she could think about was how the streets had been full of statues after people had seen Vlacek naked. Sha had spend her years since that time asking herself over and over again, "What the heck happened?" with no replies. Now, it was time to get on with her life. Now, it was time to put on her socks, as well as other clothing.
This paragraph is by Chen Laoh
     she had the neatest Halloween costume you ever saw, it was a....
This paragraph is by shall remain nameless
This paragraph is by Cutter of the MAH
     Sonya strolled up to the bar and ordered a chocolate martini. Andrew thought, hey what a fox, and stumbled up to her. "heyyyyy" he said. She recoiled in horror. "What? Do I smell?" thought Andrew to himself, then he turned around and saw that she was staring at Tommy, who had decided to have another cigarette at the bar.
This paragraph is by Anne of the MAH
     "Is that your cat?" Sonya asked. "uhh, no, it's just Tommy. He turns into a cat from time to time, but he's harmless." She still looked nervous. Tommy meowed. "See?" Andrew said "He's buying you a drink." She seemed to calm down a little bit. "How old is Tommy?" she asked. "Oh, he's 21, right Tommy?" The cat meowed in agreement. "Oh!" she commented "Then it couldn't have been him. Does it run in the family?"
This paragraph is by Molly
     Couldn't have been him WHAT? Andrew didn't know what in the world the sexy broad was talking about, but figured anyone gutsy enough to get dressed up like a BanderSnatch was worth chatting with and dating up a little.... "Oh yeah," he said, "it goes back about seven generations. His grandma used to win prizes in the Blue Persian Cat shows. But he can tell you more about that later..." Meanwhile, Tommy was looking thoughtfully at Sonya. Even in that silly costume, she did look familiar somehow...
This paragraph is by Cutter of the MAH
     Meanwhile, New York City Harbor, a cargo boat had just pulled in to shore. Barney Freemantle was unloading the goods, still sweating from an unknown sickness that most of the crew had fallen prey to on the trip. No one had any idea what had caused the severe ear infections. But Barney, his family roots rich with folklore, had a strange suspicion that these were EVIL ear infections. But who, what was giving it to the crew? He was pondering this while some of the men were wheeling a large crate off the boat. Suddenly his ear nearly exploded with pain. He glared at the crate, and screamed "Let me see that thing!" The men stopped in their tracks.
This paragraph is by Tom of the Army
     Meanwhile, back at Vlacek's castle, he was planning an evil plan. The horrible memories of his high school prom leading up to his evil death would not go unpunished. "I shall destroy New York City with an evil, undead leeches, which will squirm their way into people's ears and into their brains!" he said with a dark and sinister laugh. "Not even my nemesis will survive."
This paragraph is by Cutter of the MAH
     Phone call to a NYC operator at 2pm October 27, 2000:
Operator: 911 how may i help you?
Unknown voice: oh my god, you gotta come down here..
O: Tell me where you are sir. What is happening?
U: They got out! THEY GOT OUT!!!
O: Where are you?
U: I can't...the harbor..arrgh...NO!
O: I have located you, help is on the way. Just stay on the phone.
U: Get that "intellegible"...what the Hell is happening? Oh God oh God oh God!!! "unidentified noise"
O: Sir? Sir?! What is happening?
U: .....I like chicken, I like liver, Meow Mix Meow Mix, please deliver..
O: Excuse me?
U:"laughter" kitty kitty kitty. We're coming for you! (hangs up)
End of recording.
This paragraph is by Johnny Shao
     The gathering gloom in Vlacek's evil castle dripped with cobwebs and atmosphere. The theme from KOYAANISQATSI droned on in the background. Vlacek was getting ready to turn into a bat and fly out into the night to inspect his evil handiwork... unaware that the Evil Leeches were having strange side effects. that'll teach him to buy Evil Leeches from Archie McPhee.
This paragraph is by Naomi
     Just then the phone rang.
This paragraph is by Molly
     Meanwhile, back at the bar, the real bandersnatch which was now about 3 sheets to the wind, had taken a liking to Sonya in her costume... course he could tell she was just dressed up, but anyone who would dress up like a bandersnatch must be a pretty cool chick.
This paragraph is by Ford of the Army
     "Wow. You must have really put a lot of work into that costume," she said to the bandersnatch. "You put mine to shame."
This paragraph is by Jordan Laoh
     Vlacek didn't answer the phone himself of course, he left that to his assistant slave paralegal...
This paragraph is by Jordan Chen Laoh
This paragraph is by Larry
     "Who is this?" the paralegal asked, irritated. Working for Vlacek involved getting a lot of prank calls.
This paragraph is by Cutter of the MAH (we're ba-ack!)
     "We're tired of only havin training to be brain suckers, man!" said the strange, slurred voice. "We are the forgotten minority, us mutant leeches. And we've had enough! We're gonna take you, the dead guy, and all these stupid people down and make our own world. See you soon, MEAT!"
This paragraph is by Rae of the Army
     "No thanks, we don't want any," the paralegal said, hanging up the phone. "What a strange call," he thought to himself.
This paragraph is by Ben of the MAH
     Meanwhile, back at the bar, the music got pimpin'. All the inebriated people were dancing and laughing, having a good old time. But even through all this, poor Tommy sat at the bar, a chill running though his fur. Something was rotten, and he had a feeling it wasn't the oysters he'd eaten.
This paragraph is by Anne of the MAH
     Tommy then wondered where Andrew had gone to. What he didn't know was that the horribly drunk guy had passed out in the men's room with his head down the toilet. Andrew saw a light before him and went towards it. Standing in the light was a clown. "Grandpa?"
This paragraph is by Kairu Tarenguil (Jay)
     The clown wasn't one of those from a horror movie that always turns out to have a blood-dripping meat hook or a chainsaw or something. He was just a regular one, standing there whistling a cute psychologically off-key song and juggling five fancy colored sparkling balls. This could get to be somewhat hypnotic, and Andrew started to trance out even more than he already was. Ooooo pretty. Everything seemed to sort of gel together and make Sense.. (uh oh)... and Andrew finally understood the answer to it all. ... "Good god, I've got to stop drinking!" he said, "I've got to keep all my senses as alert as possible because..."
This paragraph is by Molly
     "rrrrrYYEEEOOOWWW!!!!!" came a chilling screech from behind him. Andrew was jolted abruptly from his trance state. The desperate Were-Persian leapt onto the back of Andrew's neck and bit him in a frantic attempt to wake him up before he made a Journey Into The Unknown....
This paragraph is by Jordan Chen Laoh
     "oh hell what did you do that for?" Andrew complained bitterly. "I was just about to uncover the mysterious..."
This paragraph is by Anne of the MAH
     clown...meaning of...i have to stop...uh I can't remember. Oh well, let's get us another beer, shall we?" Tommy shook his kitty head as Andrew lurched past him. Meanwhile, back in New York City...
This paragraph is by chiu with a stomach ache
     the evil mutant leeches crawled happily through the city. They chose their prey most carefully, not just taking anyone, but the people one would least suspect of being possessed by an evil mutant leech. They were very careful not to make people's eyes change colour or glow in the dark, and one of them had already pushed the button to turn off the Ominous Horror Movie Music that usually accompanied their strolls through a human brain. It didn't always work out, like the time they tried to glom onto Hallie .... EISENBERG, the actress in the Pepsi commercials. That was a big mistake, as, like all professionaly overcute little girls, she had evil powers of her own. The leeches gathered up their scorched brethren and slithered on, right into City Hall...
This paragraph is by Anne of the MAH
     where Hillary Clinton, newly appointed mayor, was waiting for them. She flew out a window and began using her Super Hillary eye lasers on the leeches. "Nooooo!!" the mutants shrieked. "We wanted the other guy!"
This paragraph is by shall remain nameless
     "Shuttupp," barked Super Hilary, "I knew he was one of you all along. I even said so in some of my negative campaign ads!"
This paragraph is by also nameless
     Sonya, smashed out of her mind on chocolate martinis, had toddled off with the bandersnatch...
This paragraph is by Jordan Chen Laoh
     they were tangoing in the melon moonlight and yowling like, well, like bandersnatches!
This paragraph is by oh never mind
     So was GEORGE BUSH, who...
This paragraph is by Imoreh Frajin, half asleep
     had a COKE and a smile....
This paragraph is by IHCOYC XPICTOC
     and the obsidian dagger with a nice mosaic turquoise handle in his hand, which he got from the Incas (or was it Aztecs) in his college fraternity, the ones who brought all the skulls to decorate the place. "Nobody knew how to decorate with skulls like those Aztecs," he thought, as he advanced. . .
This paragraph is by Shao
     to the cemetery on the outskirts of town. He also had a six-pack of Egyptian BEER....
This paragraph is by shall remain nameless
     only to run into ONDO VLACEK the vampire prince himself! Yes, you thought we forgot all about him! I think the guys who started this story forgot all about him! WELL, -WE- didn't forget!
This paragraph is by IHCOYC XPICTOC
     Ondo Vlacek turned to George Bush, who, seeing just a guy in formal attire, figured he must be talking to a fellow Republican. George Bush immediately began complaining about how it was taking so long to get elected President; to which the eldritch undead creature replied, "You sound like you could use a drink. . ."
This paragraph is by Ford
     Vlacek laughed evilly. Ah yes. If he could get George Bush to swallow the drink, then he would have his revenge. He would have what he sought all those years ago after his humiliation at the prom. He giggled, half-crazed, muttering something about pig's blood.
This paragraph is by chiu with nothing but time on his hands
     cause it was GEORGE BUSH and a bunch of his evil friends at the evil high school who had gotten really loaded on prom night and had put the cat up to that monstrous prank! Vlacek had tracked them down using his wily cunning and ferocious intelligence, and MOSTLY...
This paragraph is by Clarissa
     ...a video camera loaned to him from the Jerry Springer show.
This paragraph is by Johnny Shaobek
     YES, he was going to put the whole thing on line on his WEBSITE! And go on Jerry Springer, to tell the whole DISGUSTING story and some of the other guys from the evil high school could be on and they could pound the crap out of each other on nationwide TV. That's what the viewing audience wants to see, that and naked girls like SONYA..... she had gotten out of her costume and was dancing down Kirkwood Avenue in the buff....
This paragraph is by Gabe
     This is getting plumb silly
This paragraph is by a voice from the Peanut gallery
     said the joker to the thief
This paragraph is by Nightmare of Littleangel1995 crew
     and the thief stole the Joker's wallet and went to the Nightmare on elm street movie marothon.
This paragraph is by why aren't I in bed?
     Tommy the Cat had reverted to human form by now and was listening to the radio about the EVIL MUTANT LEECHES and their secret leader GEORGE W. BUSH
This paragraph is by bored chiu
     it's those damn Illuminati I keep telling you. Who votes for a new story?
This paragraph is by I refuse to answer on the grounds that it might incriminate me
     The Illinati voted for a new story (go U of I)

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