First she's all affectionate and friendly toward you but then as time goes on she becomes cold and demanding of your time and especially $. (If a renter or housemate, she might have lied about being able to pay her share.) What appear at first to be unconditional love and respect become very conditional. For instance, she may insist that you behave according to the identity she has assigned you. She may tell you this is all for your own good. Or she may ask you to buy her things -- little things, at least at first.

Watch out for the 3 a.m. phone calls. Watch out for any feeling you have that says "this is beginning to feel like too much" and they insist it's all part of "friendship", or of your "training". Watch out for messages that there are terrible things going on and you can help save the world... or even save or help one other person. Watch out for Constant Crisis. Watch out for abusive criticism. Watch out for double binds, like telling you you have to have more self-esteem and then when you do they slap you down for arrogance. Watch out for feeling coerced to tell deeply personal things or secrets about yourself -- things that you have never told anyone. Watch out for demands that you quit your job, that your loved ones aren't important, and that it's vital for you to move in with your "real friends" (or they with you) immediately.

Oh, yes, "we're your only real friends.." "I'm your only real friend..."

Watch out for trance logic, which is a kind of extreme departure from everyday reality and a demand that you suspend your critical judgement, accepting only what you are told no matter how unreasonable it may seem. (President Bush used trance logic a lot -- for instance, "mission accomplished".) Many things that are said or done "in context" are actually a part of trance logic. Watch out for crediting events -- be they an unexpected raise at work or a flat tire -- to magic or ESP or "positive thinking" when you know that what happened is simply an ordinary event. You do not have to be hypnotized to be affected by trance logic.

Watch out for sleep deprivation. If you've been up for thirty-six hours praying, saving the universe, or seeing a 'friend' through a crisis, it's going to be harder to make rational decisions about other things. When you are not getting enough sleep you are much more susceptible to trance logic, and simply not thinking straight, and it becomes easier for other people to manipulate your emotions.

Your natural feelings of being scared, disturbed, anxious or feeling that this just isn't right may be characterised as always your fault, caused by weakness or failure of character on your part. Or it's because of entities -- something evil in the spirit world -- if that's part of the group dogma. It's never because you might actually have a legitimate reason to feel that way.

These reactions and feelings are part of your natural sense of self-protection and preservation of life, telling you to leave. Listen to these feelings. Never believe anyone who tells you that sense of self-preservation means you are too scared to face the truth about yourself -- or that you are blocking, defensive, or any of the other things they might say to shame you into going along with their program for your "improvement." Even if the program has legit features or has worked for others, these feelings indicate that it is not going to work for you no matter how much you try.

You might keep thinking that if you just try hard enough -- if you change your behavior to be the way she wants it to be, if you work hard at the tasks she sets you, if you act, speak, think just the way she wants, that the "good" person -- the one you knew at first, your friend, will come back. You think everything will be fine if you can just hang on through the rough times. And occasionally you may see flashes of that "good" person, and think you're on the right track. The worst thing is when you see her showing that good, kind, loving attitude towards others, and you think they "deserve" it more than you do. The truth is, that "good" person is a mask. It's a trap, designed to lure people in. The "good" person you knew is not coming back, because she never existed. That's the toughest part of all. The good news is it's not your fault; you didn't do anything to make her stop being kind to you. She stopped because she started showing you who she really is and what the group (or method or whatever) is really about.

Such situations are generally centered around one person. There may be a group involved, several of whom may be manipulative to some degree, but there's always one person who's the focus of it all; without that person, it would all fall apart. Everything revolves around this person; whether or not she is happy or miserable, has what she needs or wants, is being served properly by other people. She may expect others to do all the routine house tasks such as cooking and cleaning, or she may put great energy into doing them efficiently herself, showing that she is capable of exerting herself a GREAT deal more than you are, so that your efforts seem trivial by comparison.

Often, there is a sexual focus; the people in these groups may be more than just friends. The leader might demand intimacy as the price of his or her favor (Men are not the only ones who do this, by any means!). There may also be a certain degree of physical intimidation - and again, men aren't the only ones who do this.

This person will frequently brag about how good they are at everything (regardless of whether or not they're that good at it), lie or exaggerate about their accomplishments, and/or claim to have abilities or knowledge no one else in the group has, which entitle them to call the shots or judge things more accurately. Often there's a subtle or obvious message that if you devote your lives to them, they can teach you to do these things too, or be as good at them as this person is. And she, or he, is the only one who knows the right way to teach you these things.

No matter how good you get at anything, though, the leader will keep upping the ante -- as soon as you can do something too, it becomes "oh, big deal" and they'll come out with some new story about an amazing ability they never revealed they had before. Interestingly, often these abilities are ones they can't reliably demonstrate or replicate, or things that can be easily faked.

The one ability they are likely to really have is cold reading -- the skill of reading people from body language, tone of voice, breath patterns, eye reflexes, etc. This can seem like psychic sensitivity when it isn't. Or they may have picked up some sleight-of-hand parlor tricks and are passing them off as psychic powers.

People who do these things portray themselves as achievers, as winners -- but they are not. They are losers, despite all the money they may have. They are leeches, sucking minds, bodies, money and souls into their vortex.

There are people who just have high self-esteem and talk about their accomplishments as a routine thing, tell you that you can achieve wonderful things too, and it's only an attitude -- they are not trying to get you. All I can say is that it's a feeling, it's a pattern, and the minute you sense anything wrong, disconnect from those people and don't answer the phone. If you have ever been in such a situation, you will most likely recognize it in the future.

To the people that have had this happen. To the people for whom it's happening now. I want for you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Often, people in this situation think nobody would believe them, or that everybody else thinks this guy or girl or organization is nice and would never do a nasty thing. Or you read what I've written above, there, and say "oh yes, but that doesn't apply to my situation." It's vital that you know you are not the only one who has been through such a situation; it is vital that you know this does not mean you are stupid. It has happened to a lot of smart, realistic people.

You are ALSO likely not the only one who is put off, frightened or disgusted by this person's actions. Others may simply be too afraid to say anything. It can seem like "everybody loves" them, and "who'd believe me?" Also, you may think "this doesn't apply to me" or "it's not that bad". She (or he, or the organization or church or whatever) may do some very kind, generous, helpful things -- there may be a lot of nice things about her (or him or them), but that does not mean your experience or feelings are wrong.

Many people are afraid to get away from a person or group like this -- particularly when psychic powers are part of their lexicon -- in case they really have powers and can do you harm. The chances are that they do NOT. If they did, they would not have to lure people in and take their time, money and energy in such a manipulative fashion. She does not have the power of life and death over you, even if she tells you very convincingly that she does. Even if she tells you things about yourself that you know or suspect to be correct, that does not mean she is right about everything and that you need to spend the rest of your life living with and working for her.

If you have reason to believe she does have any sort of magic or psychic powers, there are many things you can do to shield yourself in case she tries something. Since a lot of magic is psychological, find something she dislikes and carry it with you, or put it in your mental "shields" (think about it every time you think about her). If you are Catholic (or even if you're not) you might find the Michael Prayer helpful. But one sure way to stop anything such a person might throw at you from affecting you is simply not to believe that they have any powers. Even if magic is real, even if there is such a thing as ESP, it is unlikely that she has it. Again, if she did, she wouldn't have to do what she does to people. Real magic and psychic things do not involve manipulation, scare tactics, leeching off others' income or using the mental, emotional and physical energy of others to support his or her lifestyle.

For those who think they're safe because they are "not stupid", "never believed in magic", "outgrew their pagan phase in grade school", or think that only losers would get "suckered" into this type of situation: Do not necessarily assume you are "safe". This can happen to ANYONE. ANYONE! It happened to Neil Young when he sought help for his disabled son, not with a cult but with a respected institute for physical therapy! He and his wife became completely enslaved to "the program" because they were desperate -- even after it was clear there was no way it was ever going to work for their son. Be careful whom you trust when you are in any kind of vulnerable situation.

People can and do take over your life with emotional abuse and mind-control tactics with only perfectly 'everyday' events involved -- nothing to do with roleplaying, channeling, video games, anime, Wicca, being multiple, or cosplay or anything else 'unusual'. It so happens that a lot of ordinary abusive relationships start this way. It happens in families, too. The thing to watch out for is the behavior patterns -- increasingly unreasonable requests passed off as signs of love and friendship, double standards, everything revolving around one person's needs, requiring more and more of your time -- not any specific activity or belief system.

Remember, ultimately you are in control -- it may take some doing, but you can get away from her (or him, or them). Support groups exist for victims of certain organizations. There is a Lazaris support group, Clare Prophet's son has this blog, and this site is for, but not limited to, victims of Ramtha. Sometimes, reading pages or forums like these may be of support and help to you even if you were treated this way by an individual and not a group. Occasionally, you may find a support group among ex-friends of an individual who behaved this way. You may want to start one.

A Word About Tarot Cards and Astrology

I have been reading tarot cards since I was barely out of junior high and I read professionally today. I have no psychic powers and am not involved in any kind of magickal system. I am told that my readings make sense, which is the highest praise I want. I believe it has to do with the symbolism of the tarot relating to common, everyday life experiences which everyone is likely to have.

If you are worried about a person who predicts dire things through tarot readings or claims to be able to tell you detailed things about past lives or psychic powers through the cards, you would do well to get a couple of books on tarot (I recommend the ones by Eden Grey but there are many others) and discover exactly what can and cannot be read with a tarot deck. ANYONE can read tarot; it does not require ESP or supernatural gifts of any kind. Everything I say here goes for astrology as well.

There is such a thing as a past life reading but it is for very general information like what your occupation might have been, and what was important to you at the time. You cannot use tarot cards or astrology to definitely determine that you were a particular person.

I have had several clients ask me if the card representing the outcome shows an unchangeable future. No tarot reading can predict future events that are inexorable, carved in stone or unchangeable. The future is changing constantly and cannot be predicted with any sort of consistency. What an outcome card does is show you what is likely (not certain!) to happen if you proceed on your present course. You still have control of your life.

Concerning Multiplicity, Otherkin and Fictives

I am a member of a multiple personality system, and there are fictive persons I'm proud to acknowledge as members of my group, sharing a body and life. In writing this article, I feel that we owe it to ourselves, as well as to our friends from other times and places, to present ourselves as what we are, without pretense or covering. If you don't believe in multiplicity or fictive presences, that is your choice; it's our personal experience, something we can't prove.

I would be the first to agree that claiming to be these things is net-trendy at this time. People are gaining cultural permission from the internet that is impossible offline, to explore many more options, not just being multiple but gender/orientation issues, BDSM, career changes, investigating other religions.

Some self-described multiples you will meet online are probably just experimenting -- seeing if it is right for them. Others may be putting you on. However, many serious people experience multiplicity, fictive presences, or (especially) being otherkin as completely real, often a very personal thing.

These are not spectator sports for the entertainment and adulation of others. They are not signs of intellectual, emotional, creative, or moral superiority. They are subjective experiences, exactly like a Christian's belief that "Jesus dwells in my heart", or the many people of all faiths who believe they have experienced miracles or had their prayers answered.

People in previous generations who felt their spirits were really animals or mythological beings had little they could do about it, other than to wish they were Indians. I once knew an elderly white woman who was otherkin all her life without knowing that anyone else ever felt that way or that there was a name for it. It was a deeply personal experience to her, almost a holy thing, kept very much to herself. I think she was extremely wise. Confiding such things in others should be done with discretion. It is not something to be flaunted.

If you do choose to tell other people, it's tempting to add disclaimers, to pay lip service to the dominant culture; to say that you don't "take it too seriously" and that you "know you are insane". But if you really believe you are plural, otherkin or have a connection with fictive presences, try not to denigrate it, to be crude or flippant; that disrespects you, as well as the experience.

Bluejay Young, Astraea

"We spend much of our lives alone. Some cope with it better than others. The ones who don’t are primed and ready for victimhood. You have to learn to be with yourself, because if you don’t, there’s a whole world of ... rotten people who will be your friend until you’ve been sucked dry. Beware of what loneliness makes you do." - Somebody on metafilter

Emotional Blackmail: Here's a book that might be helpful. Many people on amazon are giving it five stars. Ex Cult Website Whether you've been victimized by an individual or an organization, even if it wasn't a cult, this website might help. There is also FactNet. Rick Ross Archive Ross keeps track not only of groups of all kinds that have been described as cults, but there is a huge section on abusive/controlling relationships, including many more books that might help. Ross worked with Margaret Singer, Ph.D., the woman who wrote to me confirming that there is such a thing as a "cult of one person". Here's a checklist for types of controlling behavior. See if your friend, or group, fits all or some of this description.

All writings by members of Astraea Household are COPYRIGHT FREE. Permission to link to, manipulate, publish and/or mention in print (paper, electronic, etc.) any material written by members of Astraea Household is granted. Any re-broadcast, reproduction or retransmission of the pictures, descriptions, and accounts of this game without express written consent of Major League Baseball is encouraged.