The Hero: Captain Kirk
Title: Star Trek CLXVII
Theme: 60s style Star Trek episode
Captain's Log, Stardate 47401.
We are on our way to visit the distant galaxy
Epsilon @$@&^!, where we hope to find..
enough ice cream and lollipops for the WHOLE CREW!
Don't forget the balloons. But balloons were sacred artifacts on this planet, and
we got water balloons dropped on us from high above.. the towers of the planetary Senate, where
Newt Gingrige and William Shatner!!!
in their birthday suits!
In clown suits with little fairies embroidered on their underwear
But Dr. McCoy entered just then, and said
Why are we watching Moses on the viewscreen?
Because there's nothing on the stupid planet.
Come on, there must be something down there. No? Just nuts and rocks?
Hello? Hello? (BUZZZZZZZ) Lieutenant, what's going on down there?
Lt. Grey shook her communicator but to no avail.
And a couple of little nuts and bolts dropped out of it and fell on the ground.
Where they were immediately eaten by
metal eating rocks.
Ens. Christophe, can you clarify that reading?
No I can't sir, the electroencephaloneuromentimpograph is fluctuating real bad.
I think the batteries need recharging.
Mr. Scott, is there any reason why we can't recharge the batteries?
Well, Captain, if we did that, we'd blow up the ship for sure!
And the only way to prevent it
is to have everyone on the ship flush the toilets ALL AT THE SAME TIME
The Enterprise took off at Warp 15,
and all the crockery fell off of the shelves,
and Mr. Spock (Where's he BEEN all this time!) said "Captain, this is illogical!"
That's all he EVER says. He said, "Captain, we cannot be traveling at Warp 15."
Well take a look at the speedometer, Spock, I think you're wrong.
SPock is NEVER wrong! What are you talking about, Capt?
I... I.. seem to have lost my memory.
Yes, the new uniforms looked like underwear.
The players didn't like that very much. There was an overwhelming vote for
And lenny dykstra just stood there with his MOUTH OPEN
Like always, but no bad words coming out!
Of course, there's not swearing on the bridge!
Litetnant, will you please keep monitoring the subspace channels and quit watching THE CUBS
I will, when you learn how to spell Lieutenant.
Well, that's pretty graphic! Put it on the viewscreen!
It was one of those planets that looked JUST LIKE EARTH
except for one little thing....
Marvin Freeman was pitching!
And a sexy, statuesque alien babe beamed onto the bridge and said NO MORE BASEBALL!!!!
That's easy, there'll soon be a strike !
Well who wants to watch baseball with a half-naked babe on the bridge?
Capt. Kirk, turning on the ol' charm, said:
Perhaps we can "Negotiate."
He said with a devastating smile, sure to turn any alien babe on.
She dropped her clothes, and
everyone on the bridge applauded
and Chekov and Sulu took a bow!
"Brilliant!----piece of navigation," The Captain said.
"Now if you--could JUST--figure OUT--why I--TALK like this."
Your zipper is stuck, Captain, and that is why.
Then how--am I going to fuck this beautiful alien babe?
"Don't you ever do anything else, Keptin?" said Chekov,
"Why--yes, of course," Kirk said, and proceeded to his best Mae West imitation.
Kirk wiggled around seductively and sat in Spock's lap.
That was enough for the aliens, so they took him (Spock) AWAAYYY!!!
Captain Kirk was really JEALOUS. He was hoping they'd take HIM!!!!
and put him in their zoo as a "breeder"
Whee! Captain Kirk was in PARADISE with all those girls!
Meanwhile, the ship zoomed off to outer space and left him on the Horny Planet.
Where he lived happy ever after
That is until the courtmartial!
He had a fantastic lawyer, though... with beautiful
Oh, so we're back to the underwear now again, are we?
UNSOLVED MYSTERIES: What happened to Captain Kirk's undewear?
Kirk doesn't wear underwear, he's too cool and hip.
Checking everything's in place--you never know who's looking on.
You wanted to GET OUT? You admit you were trying to GET OUT?
You'll never work in this town again, Tirebiter!
Well, that's just fine, with me!
And Kirk flounced out all in a huff, trailing his feather boa behind him.
That's fair trade!
The slave girls all applauded, jumping up and down and showing their lovely
that was made out of exotic
bologna, garlic and dill pickle sandwiches. With BEER to go with it,
and everyone on the bridge was watching baseball!
He fell down the black hole
with the turned-on bees!
This is ridiculous. Captain Kirk would NOT drink Suka-Brand Coffee!
Because when he does, a luxurious alien babe
Is that some kind of stupid computer command?
Is that some kind of computer command, stupid?
Lieutenant, you are speaking to an officer.
Oh shit! I knew I shouldn't have sat on the switch to the sex change machine
--the REAL reason those 18 minutes of tape are missing
is -- is -- YES, the examiners were eating chocolate!
Finally, we discovered the chocolate secrets
of President Nixon after all these years. No thanks.
Ask me if I CARE!
They asked her to say "Hailing frequencies open" one too many times, and
she ripped out the microphone, ripped off half her clothes, threw her clipboard on the floor and
said, "I confess! I can't take it anymore! Higgins and I planned it all!"
T.C. says "Thomas, that's IMPOSSIBLE. I was watching you every second!"
Thomas: "How COULD you? You were busy making time with Tasmin!"
Lt., would you please get Magnum, P.I. off the viewscreen
Okay, so the aliens say bad words. Big deal.
They did, however, steal Capt. Kirk's toupee.
Oh no! Capt is bald on television! What now?!
That's why they got Picard, then they wouldn't have to worry about it!
Yow! Turn off the light on the Captain's head!!!
"Go up, thou bald head: go up, thou bald head."
Watch out. You know what happened to those guys. Elisha
said "HA ha, you can't read the sub" and Scotty said
The engines canna stand the strain!
AND you guys drank all the coffee!
That doesn't matter, because it's ***ALIEN COFFEE***
which renders all the crew so hyped they can't do anything except
all-night champion weightlifting
cheerleaders from Skrlmv VI
shook their "pompoms," jumped up and down and showed off their
fashionable garter snake belts
because it was so tasteless, Yes it was the Tasteless Planet!
WE Must Bring them chocolate
in our country
'tis of thee, sweet land of LSD...
oh, oh, oh, LSD--How we love our LSD--Well sitting in the sun it sure is fun
until you get FRIED! SUNBLOCK 86!
Captain! Captain! (PHWEEEEEEEP) All the stars have gone out!
"There's nobody home," said the voice on the other end of the subspace radio.
Doo-doo-DOO.. If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
Then it started playing old radio shows! SUSPENSE!
Kirk came over and kicked it. It fell on the floor and
sparks shot all over the bridge. "DUCK!!!"
The duck flew all over the bridge
shitting on the heads of the crew, and
swinging from the rafters, yelling "HAIL ALMIGHTY QVIUSLKJG!!!" the alien diety who...
what makes mdma pure love for all mankind?...
She said, as she passed out the psychedelic tabs to all the crew.
"We--must---FIGHT to survive," said the Captain. "DRUGS--are the Easy way out."
Then by all means, let us TAKE THEM!
TAKE THEM! TAKE THEM! AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA
The entire bridge crew was instantly transported to
a blowing desert planet, where a mysterious stranger appeared, and said
Blow me! And the Captain said........
OH BOY! And jumped on her and squeezed her
orange juice! And everybody had some, part of this balanced breakfast!
with sunflower seeds and creamy
play-doh, chlorine, ferns, tacos, suntan oil, baby aspirin, windex*
with Ammonia-D, which Uhura used to clean her viewscreen. She turned, and
fired! Kirk fell to the deck, clutching his
coffee cup! He wouldn't let it go for anything, because
it had coffee in it!
Scotty was FLABBERGASTED! The dilithium crystals really HAD been replaced with FOLGERS CRYSTALS!
The New Age hitchhikers on the ship sat in the engine room smiling at the crystals
and absorbing the radiation, until they were roasted to a delicate crunch. Yummy!
said the crewman from PUCPOHLKDJ IV. Got any bean dip?
On PUCPOHLKDJ IV, we put bean dip in our shorts.
Not another underwear reference!
said the Captain sternly. I've had anough of them!
I'm so uppsett I kann"t spelle!
Oh really, has the baseball strike got you too, Lt. Faith?
ARGH!@ ARGH! AIYEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
Every security guard on the ship was rolling around on the deck screaming
as their underwear melted!
NO MORE UNDERWEAR!
On Vulcan, it is illogical to have underwear.
Even boxer shorts?
They're called boxer shorts, because we put them in a box, and Federation Express them to unevolved planets
Like the, PLANET OF THE FROGS!!!!!!!!!!
There wasn't anything the least bit bad on the Frogworld. It was a paradise!
A wet, muddy, bug-swarming paradise. After all, it was a paradise for frogs.
Yum yum! Eat those bugs! SLURRRP (BELCH)
The frogs were playing drums and eating cornbread, speaking Klingon all night
The Klingons got here before you STUPID Earthmen!
They brought us their language, their customs, their UNDERWEAR
NO! Not more UNDERWEAR!
Nonsense. Frogs don't wear underwear.
You couldn't absorb nutrients from the pond sludge. BLORP
The slime got all over Kirk's
pajamas (See, I didn't say underwear)
What were the crew doing in their jammies?
Watching the FRUITOPIA COMMERCIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The crew is on acid.
Oh, so that's why the Enterprise is flying upside down!
Close the windows on the Enterprise!
Before it expolds
Explodes. Explodes. Explodes.
You've been watching that episode again haven't you, where the ship blows up 3000000 times
You mean "again, again, again, again."
Richard Brautigan's on the Enterprise????
Sitting in the Captain's seat was Richard Brautigan, with a nice glass of wine and
the ship was flying upside down
There's no upside down in space, you guys.......
There's NOT??? What are the
Roman numerals doing in the title? It's illogical, for
the next phrase
was "Enter to Abort." ABORT ABORT!
Starfleet command yelled, "Abort the goddam mission you flamers!"
They pulled up the ship so sharp it flipped over backwards.
9.9 the judges gave it
the NECTAR of THE GODS!!! Follow me, and I will give you Chocolate!
And baked it at 500 degrees. Sulu said:
The captian is a pain in the ass!
said Sulu. Let's MUTINY
he whispered in dark corners.
It was a MUTINY!!! They just couldn't stand The Captain any MORE!!!
They put a tight string across the Corridor where they knew the Captain would be
strutting along in those tight pants, etc.
Are you talking about the Captain?
YES! We're planning a disgusting MUTINY!
SHUT UP ABOUT OUR SECRET PLAN!!!!
The captain woke up to find
BEAN DIP in his AAARRRGHH
tight little underwear Oops!
Underwear strung on clotheslines all over the bridge EVEN SPOCK WAS
wearing long red flannels (logical)
Vulcan underwear is long red flannels?! I LOVE IT!!!
LIVE LONG AND PROSPER he said, and
the ship blewed up
So we all took ACID and the captain went crazy. Lost his marbels
"I can't possibly be the real Captain," he muttered, still on acid.
Well, that certainly said it ALL!
Every word of it as clear as crystal. Obviously not spoken by Kirk.
StarFleet Command couldn't believe it, either! The BLACK LADY ADMIRAL said
Enter to Abort.
Well if you hadn't entered you wouldn't have to abort!
on the runway
He strutted along the runway flaunting his tight red sequined dress.
Everyone applauded, especially Spock!
What comes after two?
Buckle my shoe!
Buckle it yourself, dumb dumb!@
Lt., you are speaking to an officer.
I am, huh? Well, what am I saying?
Take your headset off and find out!
That's impossible, Captain! We'd blow up the ship for sure!@
And the only way to prevent that from happening
is for everyone to FLUSH ALL THE TOILETS ON THE SHIP AT THE SAME TIME
What do you expect them to do? We did the same thign!
Made a msitake?
Ys, you did
And what did he do with my
Somebody say "underwear again?"
"Underwear Again!" The next episode of "Star Trek: The Next Generation"
No, it's supposed to be the ORIGINAL Star Trek, dork
Let's have a LOIS AND CLARK STORY!
Okay. So the ship blows up
Lois and Clark story ... Antonio in the 8th Dimension ... The Vanishing Pickle (Firesign Theater)
These stories were created with a one-line story generator on a WWIVnet bulletin board.
Ech line was entered separately by each user who signed onto the bulletin board.
Each person who signed in was shown the preceding line, and then was allowed to add a line of their own. The story, as it evolved, was stored on a part of the BBS where files were available for download; so you could, if you wanted, see previous entries to get a sense of where to take the story. So when you signed into a WWIVnet BBS, you might see something like this:
The Hero: Elmo the Magnificent
Title: Up In Smoke
Theme: Story of a hairdresser possessed by the spirit of Julius Caesar
Last line entered was...
around and around she goes, and
Enter the next line (or type ENTER to abort)
So then you have the opportunity to type the next line, knowing only what was written on the previous line. That's why it's sort of silly, and that's what makes it good!
The stories we're presenting here were written by members of Astraea system and a few friends, using said software.
The Hero: Elmo the Magnificent
*Harper's Magazine. "Scenting a Generation Gap." March 1992, p28.-- Different generations find different smellscomforting. People who were children in the 50s find natural smells, woodsmoke, pine, etc. comforting. People who were children in the seventies find many artificial smells comforting: crayolas, Play-Doh, Windex, marijuana, tuna casserole, downy fabric softner, cocoa puffs...Wait a minute. Marijuana is artificial?? See also http://travalex.blogspot.com/2005/01/whats-wrong-with-my-generation.html.
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Last updated on ... Wednesday, September 26, 2007 12:28:16 AM
prior to that, Wednesday, August 02, 2006 1:03:52 AM
Last updated on ... Wednesday, September 26, 2007 12:28:16 AM