The Dark Personalities Hávamál

Guest article by Clarissa of the Anachronic Army

The Hávamál is a piece of ancient Icelandic religious poetry. Tradition says it was written by Odin, the chief god of the Norsemen. It covers culture and etiquette, codes of conduct and spiritual insight.

Members of the Anachronic Army are followers of the Asatru religion, which seeks to practice ancient Norse traditions as closely as possible. Study of the Hávamál and a lot of drinking led Clarissa to write this loving parody covering conduct and etiquette for the Dark Personalities Mailing List, a high-population, high-traffic and at one time extremely popular list. Remember, Clarissa was drunk when she wrote this: she wanted readers to keep that in mind.

1
The multiple who joins the strange email list,
Should be cautious before they shoot their mouth off,
Get a feel for the postings:
Who knows how many assholes might lurk
Waiting for them to post?

2
Greetings to the Army,
The list newbie has arrived,
Under which thread shall they post?
Rash are they who post without thought
Relying on their good luck,

3
Welcomes are needed by the newcomers
Who feel awkward on a new list;
They need kind words and familiarity
For digging through the net to find the list,

4
Reassurance, too, on the no censorship policy,
That allows them to speak freely,
Courteous words, then courteous silence
That they may tell their tales,

5
They who write on MPD/DID need their wits about them,
The stupid should avoid the list:
The ignorant person is often laughed at
When he posts about dissociation,

6
Of his knowledge a multiple should never boast,
Rather be sparing of speech
When to the list a wiser group comes:
Seldom do those who lurk make mistakes;
mother wit is ever a faithful friend,

7
A list member should be aware
When they come to the DP list
And post in wariness,
Their ears attentive,
Their eyes alert: So they protect themselves,

8
Fortunate are they who are well liked in the multiple community
With praise and words of wisdom:
Evil counsel is often given
By those of evil heart,

9
Blessed are they who are well liked in the multiple community
Are awarded praise and wit,
For ill counsel is often given
By multiples to each other,

10
Better netiquette than good sense
A list member cannot carry,
Better than spoilers for a victim,
Who is triggered by every word,

11
Better netiquette than good sense
A list member cannot carry,
A more tedious burden than posting while drunk off your ass
A list member cannot carry,

12
Less good than belief would have it
Is booze for the people on the list:
A multiple knows less the more they drink,
Become befuddled fools,

13
'I forget' is the name list members give the cornflake pisser fairy
Who hovers over our conversations:
But she pissed in my cereal this morning,
When I flamed the Lemarath System,

14
Drunk I got, drunk off my ass,
When some on the list gave us some wise words
The conversation would have been better
If I could remember what the Hel we talked about,

15
Politeness befits those who are well-known in the community,
To be polite, but brave in flames:
It befits a multiple system to be merry and glad
For all of their lives,

16
The lurkers believe they be safe forever
If they hold back from posting during flames,
But in time they shall find no answers
Since they were too afraid to ask questions

17
When they first join the list,
the foolish multiple introduces themselves, shy and sheepish at first,
Then they start flaming everyone for no reason and immediately
All know what idiots they are,

18
They who have seen and suffered much,
And know the ways of the world,
Who have been there, done that, can tell what kind of attitude
Governs the lists they join,

19
Drink your booze, but don't get drunk off your ass,
Talk sense or be just lurk for the evening:
No multiple can be called discourteous who waits until they are sober again to post

20
A multiple who posts nonsensical dribble to the list
About how much their life sucks and it's everyone else's fault:
Will only cause others to flame them,
And mock them for their whinyness,

21
The people who've been on the list long
know when a flame has gone on too long,
And they change the subject:
But the idiot never knows,
When to shut up already

22
An arrogant poster who thinks they are always right
Ridicules all they hear,
Makes fun of others, refusing always
To see the faults in themselves

23
Foolish are they who lie awake all night,
When they could have just sent a post to vent about it,
They'll be tired when they wake up,
And realise the shit in their life hasn't changed,

24
The arrogant poster thinks that the DPers on the list
Will think that they are wonderful and call them friends,
Unaware that some will hop onto ICQ or AIM
And say nasty gossip about them.

25
The arrogant poster thinks that those who laugh
At them are all their friends:
But when they come on the list asking for help,
People will tell them to piss off

26
The singletype who thinks he knows everything about multiples
Since he runs a .com on the subject or is a therapist,
Quickly finds when faced with a group of DPers
That he knows nothing at all.

27
The ignorant singletype had best lurk for a while
When he joins the DP list,
No one will know what a fuckwit he is
Until he posts his idiotic theories on splitting;
No one knows less what a fuckwit he is
Than the man who talks too much.

28
Asking good questions boldly,
Is the mark of a wise system:
But remember, people are going to talk,
Whatever you say here might be blabbed all over.

29
Stupid is the system that never shuts up,
Sending a million one liners:
And the one who mouths off too much
Is bound to get flamed.

30
A DPer among friends should not mock other list members:
Many believe the silent one
Who is not questioned to know much
And so he escapes their flames.

31
The wise list members have their ways of dealing
With those who make fun of them on the list:
They delete the offensive posts,
Seeming to have missed
The idiotic talk of their mockers.

32
The fastest friends may fall out
When they have a flame war on the DP Flame:
It is, and shall be, a shameful thing
When old friends decide they hate each other,

33
To web only/no mail every person should set their mail delivery
Before they go away for the weekend,
Lest, when they return, their email box is full to capacity,
and they are afraid to use the delete key.

34
Writing emails about hard topics takes forever
Even though sending just requires hitting the "Send" key.
While emails that are light in nature are easy to write,
Though there are too many of them.

35
The tactful list member will end a flame war early,
rather than dragging it out for weeks:
He starts to stink who out stays his welcome
On a list that is not his own.

36
A small e-mail list of our own is better,
Where we as list owner are at home:
A couple hundred e-mails a day, some of it fluff
Still are better than trigger warnings or splats.

37
A small e-mail list of our own is better,
Where we as list owner are at home:
It sucks to be on a list where you must
Put *s in every foul word.

38
A DPer should not post without remembering
To be ready for possible challenges:
They don't know when a flame war might start,
Or who might take offense at what they say.

39
I don't know anyone who doesn't like presents
so help each other out with html and such,
Because no one has so much that it is
A pain to get something back.

40
If you are making enough to live well,
Don't wish you were richer:
Whatever you plan to give to friends could be stolen;
We can't all be millionaires.

41
By exchanging gifts,
DPers should make each other happy,
With a new journal template or a thoughtful e-card:
Mutual giving makes for friendship
So long as life goes well,

42
People should should be loyal friends for life,
And return gift for gift,
Laugh when they laugh, but screw the asshole
Who tries to fuck with the DP list.

43
People should should be loyal friends for life,
To them and to friends of theirs,
But watch your ass
When trying to befriend the friends of your enemies.

44
If you find someone on DP you fully trust
And wish for their good-will,
exchange IMs, exchange templates and html tips,
Send lots of emails to them.

45
If you deal with someone on DP you don't trust
But wish for their good-will,
Be polite in emails, keep your nasty thoughts private
And answer their lies with lies.

46
Even with someone on DP you don't trust at all
And get a really bad vibe off of them,
Try ignoring their posts
Or put them on block.

47
Young and alone on the net,
Before we created DP:
We were so happy to find another;
Multiples rejoice in other multiples.

48
The generous and bold have the best lives,
And they seldom give a rat's ass,
But the fluffy bunny sees perps everywhere
And the arrogant poster pines for flattery.

49
I went to diary-x and set up an account,
and there I wrote all my thoughts:
Written well, the journal looked impressive,
But I still felt like a nobody.

50
The email list that is started
and yet even over time has no posts at all
So is the fate of those without friends:
What reason do they have to live?

51
Two systems might get to know each other really damn well
And be best friends for five days,
But suddenly something happens on the sixth day:
And then they hate each other.

52
Being nice to each other is free,
Flattering people is also free:
With a website and an email list
I found myself some friends,

53
Small is a pixel, Small is 1K of data,
Small are the minds of human beings:
Some people are wiser than others,
The half-wits are everywhere

54
It is best to be of average intelligence and wisdom,
Not an expert on everything,
The person who is a genius
Is often also depressed.

55
It is best to be of average intelligence and wisdom,
Not an expert on everything,
The best lives are lived by those
Who know enough to get by.

56
It is best to be of average intelligence and wisdom,
Not an expert on everything
No one knows what will happen tomorrow,
So don't worry about it.

57
Keep the DP list alive with posts,
One post inspires other posts:
People learn by discussing things
And little from just lurking.

58
The one who wants to succeed in life
Gets up early:
If you are lazy, you'll never get anything done,
The one who sleeps through things doesn't have much to boast about.

59
Early shall they rise who have a day job,
And get off to work right away:
While the one who sleeps in won't make much cash,
Because no work equals no paycheck,

60
A multiple should know how many megs their mailbox can hold,
And how many emails are sent through the list,
To prepare for days where there are 300+ posts on DP,
Conversations to make the days go faster.

61
Washed and fed, one may go to DP:
Though one might not wear fancy clothes,
None need be ashamed of their lack of money,
Nor of the car they drive,
Although it's not a Lexus.

62
As the AOL subscriber tries to sign on,
And finds he cannot connect,
Dumfounded are they who find on DP
No supporters to plead their case.

63
It is safe to tell a secret to one,
Risky to tell it to two,
To tell it to three is thoughtless folly,
Everyone else will know.

64
People should be polite,
Not brutal and over bearing:
Among the DP regulars the bully will find
Others as bold as he.

65
Often words posted to the DP list
Have haunted them later in the archives:

66
I joined many email lists too soon,
Too late, it seemed, on some;
They weren't ready for what I wanted to say,
or it had already been said,
The unpopular cannot please.

67
Some would invite me to visit the MIRC chat,
But none thought I didn't need help logging in,
So someone helped me sign on.

68
These things are thought the best:
A computer, the glow of the monitor,
Good typing without carpal tunnel syndrome,
And list membership that avoids spam.

69
Not all multiples have it so bad:
Some are blessed with a good family,
Some with accepting friends and SOs,
some with high levels of cooperation and success,
Some with great collective achievements.

70
It is always better to be alive,
The dead can't do anything.
Flames I saw posted on the DP list,
While two multiples had attempted to commit suicide.

71
The non-co-conscious can run a website,
Those with flashbacks and triggers can run a support list,
The abuse survivor can accomplish many things,
To struggle with empowerment is better than to kill yourselves:
There is nothing the dead can do.

72
A newbie is a blessing, though they join late
To an email list of a multiple who has died:
For that multiple would not be remembered
If there were no archives.

73
Two things can mess you
up, shooting your mouth off to the list,
Emoticons hide anger and sarcasm.

74
Those who prepare for them welcome triggers
Short are the waits for replies,
Upsetting are the flame wars,
Which may last for five days,
And many times in a month.

75
The half wit does not know that cash
Makes many people act like idiots:
One is rich, one is poor
There is no blame in that.

76
Singletypes die, multiples die,
Every man is mortal:
But the good name never dies
Of one who has done well

77
Singletypes die, multiples die,
Every man is mortal:
But I know one thing that never dies,
The glory of the great deed

78
I've seen many on DP who had good paying jobs,
Who now are unemployed:
Money disappears in the blink of an eye,
It's a false friend.

79
A fool who who somehow manages to score sexually,
or to become rich or well-known,
Begins to lose wisdom as it turns to pride,
Losing his senses he becomes conceited.

80
Whatever you ask the runes will be answered,
Graven by the Gods,
Made by the All Father,
Sent by the powerful sage:
Really.
It's better not to ask.

81
For these things give thanks when you shutdown Windows:
The day gone, the glow of the monitor,
A flame war continued, cyber sex,
Work completed, beer drunk.

82
When the list is slow, send some posts,
When emails are steady, take a break, try to pick up chicks on IM,
For too many people are watching during if you try on the list.
Learn how to get around outside the home,
learn how to protect yourself, being ready to fight,
but also ready to kiss people.

83
Drink beer by the computer, when it's icy outside,
Shop at Ebay, shop at half.com
To upgrade your computer, and improve your standard of life.

84
No multiple should trust the words of ignorant people,
Those who claim to be multiple experts because they read a book:
They will try to tell you what your reality is,
But their heads are full of lies,

85
A new email, a journal entry,
A trigger warning, a starred word,
A post on jello, a thread on terminology,
A new website, a multiple ezine,

86
A new flame, a list unsubscription,
A new instant message, a slow list day,
An email on sausage, a new entry on Blue Jello,
An in joke, a multiple's kids,

87
A DP welcome, the wit of a demon,
A sick post, a system member dead,

88
An ex-friend rejoining the list another flame war,
A fast typer with a broken arm,
Are never safe on DP:
Let no one trust in safety.

89
Trust not a website with "under construction" GIFs,
Nor praise a new listowner too soon:
The website remains the same for years,
the listowner might go nuts,
Both are questionable,

90
To love a person who lies
Is like a multiple talking about themselves on an FMS forum,
A two year old having a temper tantrum,
Or drifting up shit creek without a paddle,
Or trying to type with carpel tunnel syndrome
while fighting off a pack of wolves:
don't go there, man.

91
I won't beat around the bush because I know both:
Men are are just as trecherous as women
We say nice things, but mean lies:
and many people fall for the deception.

92
Gallantly shall he speak and gifts bring
Who wishes for the Army's favor:
praise the posts of the list owners,
Flattery might just get them everywhere.

93
Don't make fun of people who are in love:
It happens all the time
A pretty face makes fools of the smartest folk
While the foolish don't feel a thing.

94
Don't make fun of those who are having a rough time,
It happens to us all:
Lust makes idiots of heroes and heroines,
It makes even smart people stupid

95
Your mind knows what your heart wants
We are all our own worst critic:
The worst sickness for the intellectual
Is to want what you can't have.

96
So I learned when I was with a certain multiple,
Hoping to get it on:
Lovely was the flesh of that system,
But we never did go all the way.

97
I saw on our futon a sexy female bodied multiple,
Sun white, asleep: No greater delight
I longed for then
Than to lie in her lovely arms.

98
"Come Army, later tonight
If you wish for a meeting with me:
All would be lost if anyone else in my system saw
And learned that we were lovers."

99
Horned out of my mind; I left her then,
Deceived by her soft words:
I thought that I was pretty hot shit,
That I would get to score.

100
That night I hurried back,
But the protectors were at the front,
Walls were up, lights were on:
So I couldn't do a thing

101
I came back at morning
The protectors were sound asleep:
I found then that the fair woman
Had told them to protect her.
Bitch.

102
Many a multiple when one gets to know them
Might seem fickle or false:
That one woman taught me a lesson,
She was just a tease, and it filled me with shame";
That was all I got from her.

103
Let a list owner with their subscribers be glad and merry,
Modest a multiple should be";
But write well written posts
If they want to be thought well of by the list:
Fuckwit is the fool called ";
Unable to say anything intelligent.

104
Useless it would have been, had we not started this list
Back in 1998:
With spirited words we spoke of our system
In the time of survivor multiples.

105
Astraea Household opened a small door,
Through which we could pass if we tried,
A path around the roads of survivors:
I thought I was going to go insane

106
The Volalupi sat me down on their couch,
Poured me a precious cup of coffee:
They didn't get much in return,
Aside from some conversation
They gave me some foreboding advice.

107
Their advice came in handy
I'm smarter for it.
I gained a lot of knowledge from the time I knew them
in a time where I felt we were in an intellectual draught.

108
I don't think I'd be alive right now
After the flames on some distant forum outside DP
Had the Chimera not helped us, the good people,
Who I wished could have wrapped their arms around me.

109
The following day the hate mail came,
I signed onto DP to ask for the list's advice:
Were we, the Army okay, they asked, come back to our friends,
Or had we been slain by our critics?

110
I heard that Odin swore an oath on his ring:
Who from now on will trust him?
He really fucked over Suttung
And Gunnlod says he's a perp.

111
It is time to sing in the seat of the wise,
Of what at Wyrd's Well we saw in silence, saw and thought on.
I read through posts on the list a long time
People talked about the runes
At the DP list;
in the DP list
There we heard this.

112
Listen to us, DP List, and listen well:
I have some advice for you,
It will help you a lot if you listen to it.
Don't get up in the middle of the night
unless you have to check email
Or you have to take a piss.

113
Don't fuck over a witch
Don't love and then leave her:

114
She'll make you apathetic about everything
So you don't want to talk to anyone,
Become anorexic, asexual,
And cry yourself to sleep.

115
Never seduce anothers partner,
Never make them your lover.

116
If you need to take a long road trip,
Make sure you have lots of goodies for the ride.

117
Don't tell assholes all your secrets
When your luck runs out:
If you make friends with an asshole,
He'll repay all your good with bad.

118
Tough protectors can die from a broken heart
Vindictiveness can destroy a person
Even if the bitch/asshole who did them in was a liar.

119
If you know someone you can totally trust,
Email and IM them a lot
Because otherwise your friendship could run dry
and that sucks ass.

120
Talk to people who are nice,
Make friends with them quickly:
But don't waste your time with fuckwits,
Nor send IMs to idiots.

121
Cherish those near to you, never be
The first to break with a friend:
It will eat you from the inside out
To have no one to pour your heart out to.

122
A nasty system,
if you make them your friends,
Will repay all your good with bad:

123
A nice system,
if you make them your friends;
Will praise you in every place,

124
The feeling is mutual when people can open
All their hearts to each other:
He who is always fluffy
Is a liar and not to be trusted.

125
Don't waste time with assholes:
Often the better is beaten
In a flame war by the worse.

126
Don't make shoes or clothes,
Except for yourself:
If a shoe doesn't fit or the stitches come undone;
People will kick your ass.

127
If you know that someone is an asshole, say so:
Don't try to keep the peace with fuckwits.

128
Don't do nasty shit.
Be nice.

129
Never lose focus when you are in a flame war,
Lest other people's ideals distract you,
And you might get intimidated out of speaking your mind.

130
With a good system, if you wish to correspond
and send emails and IMs
Let them know, and stick to your promises
Enjoy the friendship you have with them,

131
Don't be overly cautious, but cautious enough
First, of too much alcohol
Second, of sleeping with married people,
Third, of the tricks of con-men.

132
Try not to mock the people who visit your site,
Or make fun of the new DP subscribers:

133
The regulars on the DP list rarely know
The relations of a new subscriber:
The nicest person still has their quirks,
and even fuckwits have some better qualities.

134
Never laugh at the old timers when they offer advice,
Often their words are wise:
From a wrinkled old prune
Comes the voice of experience
And more wisdom than I could ever dish out.

135
Don't make fun of new subscribers nor chase them off the list,
Treat those hard-done-by well.

136
Heavy is the lock that locks the door
To keep others out
Respect other people's boundaries
or else eventually you'll piss someone off.

137
There are things to help all kinds of problems
Tylenol for hangovers,
Gravol for upset stomachs
Preparation H against hemorrhoids,
therapy for emotional problems,
Counceling helps to prevent family quarrels,
runes against curses
Clarifications to prevent fights
Tums for heartburn,
Flood insurance is great against floods.

138
Wounded I sat in the tattoo artist's chair
For nine long hours,
Pierced by a tattoo gun, pledged to Odin,
Offered, myself to myself
The wisest know not
The roots of the ancient tree run

139
They gave me no food,
They gave me no drink,
I looked at the wall; with a loud scream
I thought about the runes;
and from that tattoo parlor I left.

140
Nine powerful spells I learned from the famous Willow,
a friend of mine:
She gave me lots of alcohol,
Mixed with magic Odrerir.

141
We grow in wisdom and in sight,
One word flows into the next,
One post flows into the next

142
Find the DP list,
and read the posts,
The words are strong,
They have good advice
And they've been stained with blood
Back in 1998, when I was suicidal
Maybe even Odin is a subscriber.

143
For House of Ghosts by Maggie,
for Idaho by Telein,
for the Volalupi, too, by Hyjinx,
for Netdancer by Ken,
And some I wrote myself:

144
Know how to write them,
know how to read them,
Know how to send them,
know how to reply to them,
Know how to quote them,
know how to print them,
Know how to unsubscribe.

145
Better not to ask than to offer more than you can give
A favor demands a favor in return
Better to do nothing than to burn yourselves out,

146
The first DP favor I know is unknown to Bill Gates
Or any of humans;
Help it is called, for help it can give
In hours of sorrow and anguish.

147
I know a second that all people should know
If they want to be healers.

148
I know a third: in the heat of a flame war,
If my need be great enough,
It will negate their statements,
Their insults will not hurt us.

149
I know a fourth: it will free us quickly
If my enemies trap us
With shackles or handcuffs,
I'll say a little chant that'll destroy my bonds,
Making me useless as a BDSM sub.

150
I know a fifth: no bullets,
Aimed to kill people,
Flies too fast for my fingers to catch it
And hold it in mid-air.
(Neat trick, huh?)

151
I know a sixth: it will save me if people
Cut runes or cast spells
With intentions of hurting me somehow.
Their curses will come back on themselves.

152
I know a seventh: If I see the list
Ablaze with flames and hate mail,
Though hot the flames, they shall feel nothing,
If we say the right words.

153
I know an eighth: that makes everyone happy,
Most useful the DP list:
If someone on the list is full of hate,
It will soon calm and cure him/her.

154
I know a ninth: when need I have
To shelter my list from Topica downtime,
The technical difficulties it resolves,
the backlogged posts it sends
And puts the minds of list members to rest,

155
I know a tenth: if some people in other systems
Try to get into our system
I can work it so they can't get past our walls,
Unable to find their body,
Unable to find their system.

156
I know an eleventh: when we battle the ignorance of singletypes,
I have only to chant it as I write posts,
And unwounded we post to forums,
Unwounded we return from those forums,
Unscathed wherever we are.

157
I know a twelfth: If I find someone in the system who has died
I can carve and stain strong runes
That will cause the corpse to speak,
Reply to whatever I ask.

158
I know a thirteenth if I throw a cup
Of water over a multiple,
They won't be discouraged by the ignorance they encounter,
Though they might wonder why I had to get them so wet,

159
I know a fourteenth, that few know: If I tell a multiple
About the otherkin, elves and gods,
I can remember the names of each one.
(Few can the fuckwit name.)

160
I know a fifteenth, that first Shaytar and Bekaio
Said in Multigardens
Giving power to multiples, confidence to plurals,
Empowerment to the whole community,

161
I know a sixteenth: if I see a system
Who we'd really like to take to bed,
I can turn on the charm, can touch the hearts
Of any multiple that might fancy me.

162
I know a seventeenth: if I say it,
the above mentioned multiple won't screw me over.

163
To learn to say them, DP List,
It will take you a long time,
Though it will be helpful if you understand them,
Useful if you use them,
Needful if you need them.

164
I know an eighteenth that I never tell
To anyone at all,
A secret I hide from all
Except the love who lies in my arms,
Or else my own sister.

165
The Army has spoken words in on the DP list,
Needful for multiples to know,
Unneedful for trolls to know:
Hail to the speaker,
Hail to the knower,
Joy to them who have understood,
Delight to those who have listened.

(Dark Personalities Translation. Don't take it seriously. We were drunk when we wrote most of this.
It's based on the W H Auden & P B Taylor Translation.)

---
Wyrd's Well- Underneath the third root of Yggdrasill which leads to Asgardhr this well sits and is said to be where the gods and goddesses gather for council.