A Halloween TaleThis was sent to us by a friend who knew one of the guys that contributed to this and had sent him a copy.
1/45: can't resist... not after that one!
[This is an early Halloween story. Feel free to add anything you
like ...]
Yes, it was a dark and moonless night, when Ondo Vlacek returned
from the dead. It had been an unusually short summer. Already the
leaves were turning, falling from the trees and swirling in mystical
patterns along the narrow streets, although it was not yet
September. The villagers were suspicious of this change, and rightly
so. They knew the old stories about what was *really* in the hideous
castle up on the mountain. Children were warned not to play outdoors
after dark, and the old grandmothers whispered ancient prayers and
hung protective herbs and icons above the doorways and windows.
Meanwhile, in Bloomington, Indiana....
2/45: Meanwhile, in Bloomington, Indiana...
... The Flash was just putting the final touches on his halloween
costume. It was an incredibly awesome suit, complete with...
3/45: complete with...
still frozen turkey hotdogs, strung with monofiliment line, sewn to
the Flash's Black Cape in a spiraling pattern. Hundreds of Hot Dogs
made the cape heavy but the Flash didn't mind because he knew that
when covered with Heinz Katsup they would attract the recently risen
Ondo Vlacek, the flash's enemy from the grave. But simply
attracting Ondo Vlacek wouldn't be enough, he'd have to ...
4/45: he'd have to...
outwit the fiendish creature long enough to lure him toward the
elaborate mystical trap he'd been slowly preparing for many years, &
at last it was ready. once inside, vlacek would be imprisoned
through all eternity, never more to torment humanity, fattening
himself on the blood of the innocent.
flash's vendetta against the cruel vampire went back many years. it
seemed...
5/45: it seemed...
that it all began back when vlacek was caught running naked
through the flash's neighborhood. All the people were screaming in
terror, and turning to stone... the flash had never been the same...
as a matter of fact, he hadn't been able to put on so much as a pair
of socks since then.... until now with his costume, which was only
because it was absolutely necessary in order to save the world from
the evils of...
6/45: the evils of...
vlacek (who else). But Vlacek was not alone in his blood thirsty
quest for pleasure. There was also his consort, Ratasha, sex
incarnate, knowing beyond experience, mind reader in the dark,
invisible in the day, hypnotic voice, but also dependent on Vlacek,
lost without his quest, her quest. Against this powerful duo, the
Flash had only himself, his collection of McGuiver tapes, and...
7/45: his collection of McGyver tapes, and...
his proton pack. It was a genuine Ghost Busters II proton pack,
capable of capturing ghosts and transporting safely into a ghost
trap. It was a good question whether it would work against Vlacek
or Ratasha, but it was all he had. The Flash also nearly forgot
that he had the help of one...
8/45: that he had the help of one...
Molly Malloy, mildmannered reporter for a great metropolitan
newspaper. Well, maybe not so mildmannered at that.... she was
pretty gutsy and nervy, for a dame. (transporting this story
instantly into a 1940s black & white film) She'd already won a
Pulitzer prize for singlehandedly cracking the Case of the Mold
Menace that had threatened to wipe out her native Chicago several
years before. She sensed a hot story in this Vlacek thing,
especially the part about his sexy girl partner, which was new to
her.
The nights were getting colder and windier, and the leaves were
racing down the street like kids escaping from school. The
genealogists stopped hanging around in Rosehill Cemetery, and went
downtown to Ladyman's Cafe for some good hot coffee. Someone turned
on the radio, and there was Garrison Keillor reciting a more-than-
usually-gruesome Halloween story. The evil enigma was affecting
everyone. Radio stations were going silent and even the stalwart
engineers couldn't figure out why. In Leesburg, Dan Upson's father
reported the birth of a two-headed calf.
And Molly Malloy couldn't get her lighter to work.
Curiouser and curiouser.....
9/45: Molly
So Molly decided to start asking questions, like any good reporter.
She went to the local doughnut shop to interrogate police. The shop
was crowded. The crime rates had recently hit a low. She sat down
next to a rather plump man who had on a sheriff's badge.
After a few questions, Molly learned that there were fluctuations in
the amount of power the electric company was putting out for no
apparent reason. Molly decided to follow up. She knew there were
bound to be clues there.
10/45: Bound to be clues there.
She went directly to the electric company and asked the
receptionist to answer a few questions. The receptionist, being
blonde, offered little help, and when she asked if she could look
around, said no and ushered Molly out the door. Now, anyone who
knows Molly knows she's stubborn. She quickly ran downtown and
purchased a hard hat and yellow jumpsuit. She then returned to the
receptionist.
"Hello, I'm here to check the electric meters," she said to the
blonde receptionist.
"Hmm... 'kay... *chomps on gum*... right this way..." was the
response.
The now-deceived receptionist showed her through the swinging
double-doors to the back room. Aha, she now had access to
information that may just be able to explain some of the problems...
Meanwhile, back at the Gate, the Flash was having problems with
a hacker... a hacker by the name of
11/45: ... a hacker by the name of...
Abdul Kahmal Mahnoor! Yes, the man in a fez was back, and he was
very unhappy. He'd spent the last six months in a rehabilitation
resort, after having flipped out as a result of the Harmonic Riot.
Never mind all that, now, though. He was out for revenge.
12/45: He was out for revenge.
Yes, he wanted revenge against Molly. Her father had destroyed
Abdul's family karma several years before, causing endless suffering
and pain to him. Now that Molly's father had passed away, Mr.
Mahnoor felt it was only just to take it out on Molly... he planned
to..
13/45: planned to...
give her to vlacek. And the watch as vlacek and Ratasha slowly
pleasured her to death. Capturing her would not be easy. He knew
that he would have to trick her. Flash was the key. If he could
get Flash to bring Molly to him than his revenge would be doubled.
But how? A trap? Flash wanted Mahnoor so bad he could taste it, and
mahnoor knew that Molly's reporting style often led her into danger.
Was the flash a sucker for a love letter? Was Molly a sucker for a
hot tip?
14/45: was Molly a sucker for a hot tip?
You bet she was.
And just now she was emerging from PSI Energy, shaking her head
over her notebook in which she'd carefully noted down the meter
readings. There was the power fluctuation, just as she'd been told;
but there was nothing to show where it was coming from. In fact, it
actually seemed to be coming from nowhere.
After a few hours in the library, Molly was still further
perplexed. There was only one possible source for those power
fluctuations; a disgustingly old abandoned house about thirty miles
from town. No one had lived there in about a hundred years. Sure,
the obvious conclusion was that's where Vlacek and Ratasha were
shacking up. But how were they managing to affect the electric flow?
What the hell did they have up there, anyway?
Molly wandered outside and sat down on one of the stone benches
overlooking the parking lot. She lit another cigarette (having
resorted to wooden matches, 'cos she'd spent a fortune on lighters
in the last three days and none of them worked!) and brooded for an
hour or two.
She was surprised to see how late it was. As she arose to
depart, a tall, mustachioed blond man in overalls approached her,
carrying a small package. "Here, this is for you," he said, and
collapsed to the ground.
15/45: this is for you," he said, and collapsed to the ground.
She decided to ignore the man, because she never liked
mustachioes that much, and besides, he was a nobody, and top-notch
reporters don't associate with nobodies. She opened the package.
Inside of it was another package, which she opened, and found to
contain....
16/45: and found to contain...
...A Book...
[bet you thought i was going to say a black bird statuette!... well,
that's another story.]
17/45: ....A Book...
labeled "How To Build a 50 Megaton Bomb Using Only Household
Materials." She leafed through the book... and on the back of the
title page, she found a hand-written message. It said:
18/45: It said:
"You are in great danger! Do not go into the abandoned house.
It contains vampires! Flee before it is too late...."
Like any good reporter, Molly ignored the message and started
heading straight to the house...
19/45: Of course...
Molly wasn't so dumb as to be unaware of Mahnoor's insidious ways.
She knew about his vendetta against her father, and she couldn't
help but think that wouldn't have ended just because Pa was six feet
under and two thousand miles away, in Clyde Park Cemetery. (Getting
a little previous, aren't we? Geez.) After all, she could think of a
couple of things she'd still like to tell him. She suspected the
note had been sent by Mahnoor, because it was just a little too
obvious.
Also, she wasn't so dumb as to realise that Vlacek either really
*was* a vampire, or *thought* he was, and in either case the
traditional vampire remedies should work. She had a lot of things
with her--garlic cloves, a silver crucifix, a vial of holy water,
that sort of stuff. She hoped not to kill Vlacek (that was why she
didn't have a wooden stake) but keep him docile long enough to get
the exclusive interview she was after. And the same went for
Ratasha.
Meanwhile, the Flash was getting his costume and sundry contrivances
together, to do more than keep Vlacek docile... when the phone rang.
"This is Malloy. I'm going to check out a lead on Vlacek. Meet me there."
"Wait! Where are you?"
But she'd already hung up.
20/45: Meanwhile back at the ranch...
Vlacek and Ratasha were just finishing a good belly laugh. Vlacek
turned down the volume on the reciever and adjusted the video relay.
"You are a dog!" ratasha cooed. "but sending that book to the
reporter was genius!" "It was so obvious she wouldn't resist" Vlacek
yawned.
Little did Malloy know that the book she was dragging around was
sending the words and image of her every conversation directly to
Vlacek's waiting ears. And to ratasha's seeing eyes. The ranch was
really a large steal trap, baited, and waiting to snair young nosy
women and not let them get away.
21/45: official cop-out (just 'cos i'm tired)
Meanwhile, the Flash, alarmed by Malloy's cryptic call, gathered up
his equipment and raced out into the dusk...
22/45: and raced into the dusk...
he wasn't sure why he was so alarmed. Never before had he been
bothered by Molly doing something dangerous. She had always seemed
so cool about that sort of thing that he just assumed that she would
be perfectly safe. But not this time. It must have had something
to do with the fact that he recognized just how dangerous Vlacek was
on his own... now that he was hooked up with Ratasha, the danger was
at least quadrupled. His heart was racing. He knew not how deadly
they could be. He hoped they would not be too much for him to
defeat.
Molly was just about to leave from the library (where she liked
to hang out when she wasn't out looking for the hot story...) when
the phone rang. She picked up the pay phone which was producing all
the noise and a strange voice screamed, "*H*E*L*P* *M*E*E*E*"
This confused her greatly. Why would someone call a pay phone
for help? Was this really serious, or was it just some sort of
prank? Was it Vlacek? If it was, why was he calling her? And how
did he know she was there? Her questions would have to go
unanswered, and she would not be likely to spend much time thinking
about this in the future, as she was about to embark on the most
excitingly nerveracking journey of her life.
23/45: .....
"Hello? Hello?" Molly listened a few seconds more, trying to hear any
background noise that might identify the source of the call...
24/45: call...
(as an aside...If you want me to help with this story I need more time than
I've got....)
all she heard was that clanking of chains, a dog barking, and a T.V. theme
song...
25/45: ...and a tv theme song
"they're creepy and they're kooky
mysterious and spooky,
they're altogether ooky,
THE ADDAMS FAMILY"
26/45: THE ADDAMS FAMILY"
Then, the song changed. It sounded like a rap. Yes, this was
Addams Groove by MC hammer. Apparently, some fool had remade the
old tv series into a movie, and ordered Hammer to sing a song for
it. It upset her so much thatshe...
27/45: she...
lost track of what she was doing, forgetting why she was where she
was and what she was thinking...it only lasted a second befor she
left.
Ratasha was hungry for Chinese, a person, not a restaruant. Her
taste buds could tell the genetic traits of the average white
american back to the European middle ages. And she was convinced
that sucking so much blended blood was giving her an ulcer. She
wanted ethnic. Was the reporter chinese? She mused about it a
second but knew the odds of this kind of double treat were slim.
28/45: No, Molly was anything but Chinese...
...unless you want to believe certain anthropologists. Her much-
maligned father had been half-Irish, half-Cherokee Indian, her
mother an expatriate Russian princess, producing an unusual but not
unpleasant combination. Molly was not exactly Rosalind Russel, but
neither did she have to put a bag over her head. Would this be
ethnic enough for what's her name? Only time would tell. Molly
jumped into her pink '57 Plymouth Fury (with tailfins of course) and
roared off into the fragrant night, on her way to the greatest story
of her career.
The Flash, meanwhile....
29/45: Was
caught smoking crack in the hallways...This upset Molly so much that
she decided to...Go back to her house, retrieve a fully loaded sawed
off shotgun, and when she returned, much to the Flash's suprise, she
fired, but not bullets, but...
30/45: but not bullets, but...
she quickly fired her receptionist for incompetence. She then
grabbed the flash, stared into his eyes, and kissed him. He looked
confused and startled as she apologized for her behavior. She
explained that she had never seen a man with such a perfect body
before, and couldn't resist (sorry folks... I just had to say that).
He understood, but asked that she not do it again.
After all this was over, she returned to her original quest, and...
31/45: then Dani...
came and took her by a lock of hair and threw her across the field then she...
Read:(1-45,^31),? :
32/45: left.
Meanwhile, Vlacek...
33/45: meanwhile
he was sitting on the toilet at home when...
34/45: when...
...the telephone rang (of course). even vampires have things like
that happen to them.
35/45: Fortunately
his manservant flash was there to answer the phone.
He took the extension into the bathroom giving it to his master.
Its for you, he said, and would you like me to stay and wipe you
sir, he added.
36/45: HE SAID
Yes please do.
37/45: Yes please do...
So the Flash cringed, and pseudo-dutifully reached for the SOS
pads (much better than charmin, mind you).. just as his master was
least expecting it, the heroflash grabbed a gun and fired...
38/45: what was flash doing in vlacek's castle?
well, he'd gone up there and been captured! molly, having taken a
different route, had gotten stuck in football traffic. flash was
wisely playing it cool until he could get his ghost/vampire trap
back, which vlacek had carelessly tossed on a shelf in the kitchen.
needless to say vlacek laughed at the gun, but he shouldn't have...
39/45: For the gun
was full of silver bullets. Which flash used to shoot all of
vlaceks werewolf guards...unfortunately greenpeace heard of this and
are still harrassing flash to this day...vlacek cried and booted
flash out of the story.
Meanwhile molly decided to go to the football game, since you
was already stuck in the traffic, little did she know....but this
was no ordinary football game..........It was a night game!!!
40/45: suddenly
someone was smart enough to turn the feild lights on.
41/45: to turn the field lights on...
with the lights on now, they started the game. It was the
vampires vs. the werewolves... the werewolves were quick, but they
were probably no match for the indestructable defensive lines of the
vampire team.
The kickoff was amazing, it went just over...
42/45: ...it went just over
the head of the tall, silver-haired gent in the fourth row.
"Almost caught it that time," he said calmly.
43/45: almost caught it...
it sailed on and on...it seemed to float there forever...as a matter
of fact it did float there...everyone floated even the tall silver-
haired gent in the fourth row...he smiled as he watched his seat
move farther and farther away...for he was the evil and diabolical,
mad scientist Ezor...he had it this time after 20 years of research
and calculations...of everyone laughing at them...he had proven them
wrong...he had changed the earths mass to 0...he smiled, very proud
of himself...unfortunately he floated out of the range of the
earth's atmosphere and suffocated...he didn't even have time to
gloat or even to see the end of the football game!
44/45: No!!!
But his calculations were wrong. It was only 0 gravity for a few
moments. He sailed back into the atmosphere and plummeted down to
earth, and then landed with a SPLAT!!
His intestines were strewn everywhere but he managed to force
them back in and go find a doctor.
45/45: go find a doctor...
but lo and behold, the only doctor who was open for business was --
41/50: dr. for business was-
Dr. Giggles, well that ruined everything because-
42/50: well, that ruined everything because...
because he was an incompetent doctor. He did not know an
appendix from a table of contents...
43/50: Or
a foot from a yard.
44/50: or a one liner
from a real contribution to this story!
Anyway, Ezor was pissed. He was more than ever determined to
conquer the earth. He stomped back to his office, grumbling about
incompetent computer whizes (and he should know). There were
several messages on his answering device. Most of them were the
usual, about crop circles and third density vibrations and the
Ascension which was to take place Oct. 29 (in spite of the fact it
was already Oct. 30 and nobody'd Ascended) but the last message
caught Ezor's attention.
A voice like Peter Lorre with a frog in his throat sibilated
from the machine. "Mr. Ezor? I'm Rocky Rococo--better known to you
as Abdul Cahmal Mahnoor. Valuable information can be made available
to you for a price. I know where the girl is, Mr. Ezor, and her
foolish friend. You haven't much time left. Come to Rose Hill
Cemetery at midnight tonight. And bring ten thousand in cash. I'll
be waiting."
45/50: as he...
entered the graveyard gates, he could hear the sound of an owl. then
he shot it. (THUD) then from behind the tombestone he saw him it
was-
46/50: he saw him it was-...
William "Refrigerator" Perry, carrying a six pack of *HONDAS*
under his arm. He looked..
47/50: as happy as a clam.
He walked up to Mahnoor, griffing broadly, and gave him the Hondas.
"I just got done reading John Lennon's book," he explained.
Meanwhile, the vampire prince was watching FIGHTLINE, with Ted Copout!
48/50: fightline,
when he had a heart attack. then the tv turned in to swiss cheese.
after 3 hours of weird stuff, he finaly woke to see the humongous
big bad smelling...
49/50: big bad smelling
mess that was left when the Gods got through with Big A for messing
up the story. Well anyhow,
Mr. Perry and Mahnoor were sitting behind Hoagy Carmichael's
tombstone relaxing with a cold beer, when Dr. Ezor finally staggered
in through the Third Street gate. He came up around the soldiers'
memorial and on back to where the two reprobates were. He was
exhausted.
"Alright," he said, "Here's your ten thousand, Mahnoor. This
better be worth it."
"Relax," Mahnoor sibilated. Dr. Ezor sat down and Perry handed
him a beer. "This could take all night," Mahnoor added, "you might
as well make yourself comfortable."
50/50: comfortable."
When he heard that, he wished he could just go home. Somehow,
Dr. Ezor just couldn't be comfortable in a cemetery... maybe it was
the horror movies... maybe it was the cold stone of the tombstone he
was sitting against... or maybe it was the 6' zombie that was
creeping towards him... nah, it was probably that he had eaten too
much pizza before coming out.
The zombie was, in fact, creeping towards them...
48/50: creeping towards them...
(Ms) [Reply Requested!]
... which Mr. Perry didn't like at all. "Man, what's in this beer?" he muttered. "Hey, you, go haunt somebody else!"
The zombie just kept on for them.
There weren't a lot of ghosts in the cemetery that night; most of the population had gone on into the city for the usual dumb goings-on, leaving just a few old geezers to sit on their tombstones and gripe about the younger generation being a bunch of gadabouts and so forth, the same things they said every Halloween. So they weren't any help, either. Even Hoagy wasn't around, are you kidding? The last place he'd want to be on Halloween is the cemetery, he was out partying his head off. Besides, you don't know what the hell goes on in the cemetery on Halloween night, and Hoagy didn't WANT to know.
Mahnoor wasn't fazed. "Come on over and have a beer," he chortled.
Dr. Ezor said, "Are you crazy? You don't know what it'll do to us."
49/50: DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT HE'LL DO TO US?
Manhoor said he'll kill us, and I'm glad, there's just too much
pressure in theis world.
50/50: He was obviously stoned to the gills,
and not on beer, either.
Ezor wasn't the kind of person to take opium wisdom for an
answer. He grabbed the pizza (where the hell did that come from) and
jumped up and whacked the zombie over the head with it. "Back to
Hell with you," he roared. The zombie let out a very satisfying yell
and turned tail and ran off down Fourth Street, where people just
thought he was one of those stupid high school kids.
Ezor returned, breathing a little hard, but not too bad for
someone nearly 70.
"Now you," he said, addressing Mahnoor, "pull yourself together
and give me that information."
"Have you got the money?" Mahnoor said, showing himself to be a
lot less stoned than he was pretending to be.
"That's what I came here for," Ezor said, and shoved the fat
envelope into Mahnoor's hand. He had to wait while the sleazy weasel
counted it.
"Very good," Mahnoor said. "The fool who thinks he can trap the
vampires has been trapped himself, and is languishing in Vlacek's
castle. The girl is on her way there now. There's no escape for
either of them. But I'll take you there if you want."
Ezor agreed, and the two of them made off for Ezor's car, while
the confused Mr. Perry decided it was time to go back to Chicago and
go on a very strict diet.
49/50: Ezor and Mahnoor head off to castle Vlacek!!
The large buick of doctor Ezor rolled methodiously through the
back alleys of transylationia. It seemed they had been driving for
hours and still they had not reached the first
intersection...Suddenly Dr. Ezor noticed he had left the car in
neutral...but it was too late--they were out of gas...
Mahnoor was becoming impatient...he was fidgeting like a poodle
in heat...Ezor suggested they use the experimental fuel that he had
stored in a pickle jar in his trunk...Mahnoor agreed to settle down
long enough for Ezor to pull out a pickled male poodle....thereby
calming Mahnoor...he then poured the remains into the trunk and they
prepared to take off for vlaceks castle...unfortunately Dr. Ezor
goofed again and forgot to account for the production of anti-matter
at plasmic temperatures......
.....several million miles away the universe began its inevitable
collapse as a black hole formed in what was once a small blue
planet...
50/50: meanwhile, in palo alto...
... Dan Upson scowled with uncharacteristic ferociousness as all
the colours on the screen swirled down the hole in the middle and
the screen went blank.
In Chicago, Molly Malloy's editor sat in his ancient wooden swivel
chair, chomping nervously on his cigar as he tried to get a call
through to her.
And as for the Flash...
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